


Horizon - The Confrontation and Beyond

by Waenhir



Series: Shepard's Love Interests [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance, Shakarian pairing, Warning: Alenko-Unfriendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-06
Updated: 2013-04-20
Packaged: 2017-12-07 14:54:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/749793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waenhir/pseuds/Waenhir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan could not be more upset. Shepard could not remember. Garrus could not be more used. Mordin... Mordin could only do what Mordin does best. Legion could be a victim of bullying.... And more hilarious chapters to come! I am gonna take the story through the full Kaidan encounter as seen on ME2 and ME3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Horizon - The Confrontation. A Four-Character

"Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that." The man in front of her said with a pained expression.

"Errr... You don't sound very happy to see me alive right now either," Shepard replied sheepishly.

She had meant that as a joke. Joking had helped with Garrus' situation. He had eased comfortably right into the bantering when they met again and simply accepted that she was indeed the same Shepard. Even the "coming back from the dead" part, though not dismissed, was easily cleared up. Tali, without the jokes, was able to take it well enough and accepted her too, in a way. But Shepard had seen how joking around had worked so much better with Garrus. Surly that means joking couldn't make things any worse.

"I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I... I loved you."

Nope. He just said something a lot worse...

"Wait," Shepard eyes widened. "Did you just say you loved me and that we had something?"

"Yes...," Alenko hesitated. After all these years, the Commander could still make him nervous like a lovesick puppy. It wasn't an easy confession. And he had regretted not saying it before she died. Funny, he felt himself regretting saying it now too. "We... That night... We were so good together..."

"Just one second," Shepard held up a finger to the man standing in front of her, effectively cutting him off. Almost immediately, she pulled Garrus away far enough to talk so they were not overheard. Alenko stood there, stupefied at what just happened.

\----------------------------------------------

"Who is that guy and did he do anything to my body?" Shepard whispered when she let go of his arm.

"Shepard," Garrus stared at her. She could actually see the blue in his eyes intensified. "That man is Kaidan Alenko. How could you have forgotten him? What the hell did Cerberus do to you?"

"I know Kaidan Alenko, for crying out loud!" Shepard backhand slapped the front of his armor, hard. "I am asking you what the hell happened that he just said he "loved me" and we were "good together"?"

"He is...was your boyfriend! You two were together since... I don't know... Ilos maybe. I seriously did not pay that much attention to ship gossips."

"What do you mean we were together? Who told you we were together? Like we had sex together? Like really? Had sex? Together?"

"Noooo..." Garrus replied, dragging the word to emphasize his sarcasm. "Not really. Being your boyfriend means he got to go to your quarters and played Tic-Tat-Toe with you...across the table, together," Shepard narrowed her eyes. "Spirits, Shepard!" Garrus closed his. "Do I need to draw you a picture of what you two might have been doing in your quarters?"

"Well, you might need to," Shepard shrugged, then bent her head lower and spoke, "I am telling you I do not remember doing anything with him! I mean I remember shouting at him to get his ass into the shuttle when the SR1 was under attacked and I remember all those yelling from him about wanting to go home when I was driving the Mako... But I do not remember playing "Tic-Tat-Toe" with him!" She air quoted. "I don't remember sleeping with that man! I don't even remember if I had drunk-sexed him! Are you sure I did?"

"You expect me to verify if you two had been "Tic-Tat-Toeing"? How the fuck am I supposed to do that?!" Garrus hissed and air quoted back.

"Then what am I supposed to do?" Shepard hissed back. "He HUGGED me!"

"Shoot him!" Spirits, did he just said that? "No. Bad idea... Don't shoot him! Pretend to kiss him or whatever the crap you humans do to show affection! Rub his hair! I don't know!"

Shepard made a face at the ideas like she just smelled Varren feces. Putting a hand over her eyes, she sighed.

"We should go. Back me up or I will remember this, Garrus Vakarian!" She turned back.

"Back you up?" Garrus was still hissing in frustration as he followed the Commander. "How the fuck am I supposed to back you up on these kind of things?"

\----------------------------------------------

Kaidan Alenko was standing with his hands behind his back waiting for Shepard but his eyes were straining worriedly to his right. As if being stupefied wasn't enough, he now had one Mordin Solus standing very close with a scanner, humming and nodding and making occasional remarks or half statements. Alenko had no idea whether they were directed to him, at him or if they were not at all about him. The scanner in the Salarian's three fingered hand beeped again.

"Ahhhh!" Mordin suddenly threw his hands up, scaring Alenko into almost diving for cover. "Stress level unusually high. Prime candidate for cerebrovascular accident in distant future."

"What?"

"Cerebrovascular accident!" Solus spoke so fast, Alenko was surprised the scientist did not trip over the pronunciation of such a long word. "Stroke. Humans. Vorchas. Turians. All prompt to cerebrovascular accidents. Elcors. Different but similar. Accidents may involve total lost of nasal control. Mucus everywhere. Elcors. Large mucus bags. All seven of them. Extremely unpleasant for Elcor and others. Drells..."

"I know what a cerebrovascular accident is!" Alenko screeched. "I was just about to calibrate the Gardian laser when those...those things attacked us! Of course my stress level is high!"

"Ah yes, calibrating the turrets," the Salarian continued his scans. "Should have arrived earlier before seeker swamps. Vakarian calibrated. Allowed ship's computer to realign the lasers in minutes. Save Alliance time if arrived early. Colonists would have been saved. Wouldn't have known though. Apologies not needed."

The scanner beeped again. Mordin looked down.

"Surprising," he said. "Stress level just spiked again. Suggest calming nervous tension. Just experienced extreme discomfort from seeker sting and paralysis. Still unclear how paralysis was overcame. Have not injected release serum to any colonists. Will forward stress release vids to personal mail under Kaidan Alenko. Saw name tag on uniform. Human Yoga, perhaps? No. Body structure does not display too much flexibility. Basic Human Yoga takes time to learn. Facial expression does not indicate a patient man. Hanar Soft Belly Dance more ideal. Twisting and turning less need for flexibility. Yes. Hanar Soft Belly Dance ideal for..."

"I overcame it because I am a L2 biotic!" Alenko felt a headache brewing behind his twitching brows listening to the Salarian. "And I do not want to learn Hanar Soft Belly Dance!" He wanted to talk to his girlfriend, not this cherry-lipped alien, NOW!

"Ridiculous!" Mordin drew his head back as if insulted. "Hanar race the foremost authority in stress relief. Learning Hanar exercises good for release of tension. Scan has show L2 Biotics not involved. Please. Stand still. Scanner sensitive. Needs still subjects. May sit down. Understand humans easily experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorders. Impossible to get scan results for further study if do not stop walking away."

\----------------------------------------------

Alenko stopped in his escape and glared at the woman before him.

"Ah excellent. Has stopped walking," Alenko heard Mordin said somewhere behind him.

Shepard had literally jumped when he said he loved her. How could she? First she pretended she was dead and then she just rejected his confession with a brush of her finger? And not only did she do that, she had then cut him off, and left him with the motormouth Salarian. Alenko was now steaming.

"Mordin," Shepard nodded to the scientist then turned.

"Alenko," she greeted as Garrus fell in line by her side.

"Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" Alenko felt he had the right to know.

"I was err... Dead?" Shepard answered. "Clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back."

"And I am supposed to believe that? With reports about you and Cerberus?"

"Alenko, remember I did say "dead"? I didn't zombie-walked myself to a Cerberus base and said "Hey, ye'all! Spend a few billion credits and bring me back. I will make it worth your while yah!" But here I am, like it or not. And since I am back, I might as well save your ass and then listen to you bitch about something I had no control over."

"There were rumors that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy." Alenko retorted. "Alliance intel thought that Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. And here you are, standing under the Cerberus' logo. So all those rumors months ago were true."

"Rumors?" It was Garrus who spoke up. "Months ago? You knew Shepard was alive and you did not inform any of us? Damn it Alenko! How many different ways of an asshole are you?"

"Let's forget about Cerberus here and focus on the big picture," Shepard reasoned. "The Collectors are targeting humans and its the Reapers they are working with. We should concentrate our effort in stopping them instead."

"We all know what Cerberus is like! They could be using this to manipulate you. What if they are behind this? What if they are working with the Collectors?"

"They are not. They are the ones who gave me the resources to stop the Collectors."

"Suggest conversation to not continue," Mordin had finished his scan and was now standing next to Shepard, like Garrus. "Arguments such as these only happen in Council meetings. Nothing but politics," Garrus smirked at the comment. "No real work being done. Bickering and heightened emotions do not save lives. Adapt to situations. Change when needed. Enemy of my enemy is my friend. Human saying. Surprised Alenko human never knew that."

"And you should know me by now, Alenko, that I take what I can get if it means I can save lives!" Shepard said.

"You are too emotional to think straight, Alenko," Garrus added. "It's the Reapers that's the main concern here. Cerberus, we can deal with as and when we feel there is a need."

"She is the one not thinking straight, Garrus! And you are helping her! For all you know, she could be brainwashed by Cerberus! You have changed. All of you! But I still know where my loyalties lies! You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."

Blinking at the finger pointing at her, Shepard decided she had heard enough. It was not that she did not want to talk him over to her side. She would have loved her old team back. But Shepard was Shepard. She had only so much patience for unreasonable people. Alenko was proving to be one of those unreasonable people right then. Old team be damned. Two years. Two years she was gone and he had became more bitchy than Ashley and more ignorant than Liara but had none of the two women's openness to learn. Shepard decided she was about to do something unspeakable and she totally would enjoy rolling with it.

"Kaidan," She called him by his given name for the first time since they met up again.

"What?" Alenko asked.

"You know Cerberus had me for months. Why didn't you rescue me? Or try? You know what Cerberus was capable of..." She pouted and looked really sad.

Alenko was taken aback. He did not know what to say.

"I..."

"You allowed them to brainwash me?" Shepard pouted even more. "If Wrex had gotten the information you had, I am sure he would gather every resource and help he could gather and stomped the Cerberus base they were holding me in," Shepard forged a bit of tears and blinked.

"Vakarian would have done the same," Mordin was a quick study. He caught on. "Stomping base immediately, yes. Gathering resources and help, no."

"What?" Garrus was stunted. "No! ... I mean yes! ... I mean I would have stomped it, yes, but I would have gathered resources!"

"Unlikely," Mordin said matter-of-factly.

"So why? Kaidan? Why didn't you tried to rescued me from the hands of those guys? Why did you not use the information you had but allowed such things to happen to me?"

"I..."

"Now see, it's all your fault. Now I couldn't even remember the night you were talking about."

"What?!"

"I do not remember sleeping with you, Kaidan."

Garrus groaned. Did she had to be so blunt. Shepard glared at him.

"I say," Shepard did a hundred and eighty degree turn in emotion and lost the look she had earlier. Cooly, she continued, "I do not remember us having sex, Kaidan. Oh, I will remember it if it had happened. I remember everything in the old Normandy. I remembered Tali throwing up in her helmet in the Mako because I drove vertically up a mountain instead of around it. I remember Garrus cursing me in Turian whenever he had to fix the ride. I remember thinking how dare he and thinking if I should beat the crap out of him or push him against the Mako and fuck him..."

"What?!" Garrus gapped.

"Shut up," Shepard continued as if she had not been interrupted. "But I do not remember fucking you!"

She let out a breath and relaxed her shoulders, "So Kaidan, are you sure you have not been brainwashed? By the Alliance? Are you sure you not caring enough to rescue the woman you claimed to love, after getting the reports, was not planted in you? Or, are you sure it wasn't you being fed stories that did not happen? Like between us?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kaidan raged.

"Brainwashing," Mordin reminded him. "Yes. Has been in among human history a long time. Use of discomfort, pain. Alternation between giving kindness and cruelty. Affects brain. Makes subject not know right from wrong. Alenko should see specialist. Does exhibit certain traits of being brainwashed."

Shepard thought she had made her point with this man and was satisfied. Sense or no sense, she had rattled him up enough and that was what she wanted. She turned around and headed up the short flight of stairs, comming the Normandy as she did so. There was no need to stay any longer. The whole stunt would crash and burnt if they did and she would rather leave as the victor, in everything.

"Joker, get us out of here," She said. "Mordin, leave the release serums here. Alenko can administer them to the colonists himself. I've had enough of this place."

The shuttle arrived in no time at all. It must have been already enrouted when Shepard commed the ship. The three boarded it without looking back. And there on the colony was left one Kaidan Alenko, stupefied for a second time in less then a Horizon hour.

\----------------------------------------------

"Garrus," Shepard kicked the Turian sitting opposite her in the shuttle lightly on the thigh after a few moments of silence boarding it. "Are all Turians that bad actors? Made me wonder if I want to watch "Fleet and the Flotilla"," She laughed.

"Laugh it up, Shepard," He answered back. "For my defense: One, I was caught off guard. Two, you were having fun at my expanse too."

"Should know Shepard will use you," Mordin said without looking away from the scanner screen. "Alenko displayed easy jealousy when Vakarian name mentioned. Had proven the theory earlier when scanning him. However, must be very drunk. Or drugged. For Shepard to not remember having intercourse relations with him."

"No," Shepard said. "I remembered before the little stunt I pulled just now. And yes, I was drunk. And it was only one night. And no, he was not my boyfriend. And I was on all fours and totally screaming out someone's else's name into the pillow. Oh yes. I remember that alright. I was just too drunk and thought it was Garrus."

Garrus' eyes widened till they almost popped. Inside the shuttle, the female laughter roared so loud it could have been heard miles away if not for the vacuum of space.

\----------------------------------------------

Notes:

Updated 4/11: Kudos to my gaming buddy, Cody, for helping me weed out my mistakes.

Update 4/10: Decided to write the full Kaidan encounter from ME2 through to ME3. Kudos me! I am such a kudos ho...

I seriously have trouble with the whole Kaidan encounter. I have to do something about it before it drives me crazy! I need Shepard to have the last say with him!

Never played Renegade Shepard. I usually only option-renegade when I felt I might drop dead and die of annoyance if I did option-paragon. But with the whole Kaidan encounter, even the renegade options didn't cut it for me.

Sorry Alenko fan-girls. I never played ME1... and the Alenko I saw just won't stop pissing me off.


	2. Victim or Perpetrator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some readers were asking if this story will have other chapters and so here it is! I had planned to write short...short fics and post them up one by one but I have to say, it's a much better idea to challenge this lazy butt of mine. I totally enjoy writing this, and I hope you guys totally enjoy reading it as well!

"Shepard," the Turian greeted her without looking up from the console. "Need me for something?"

"Seen Legion?" she asked him.

"He was here a moment ago, wanting to help with the calibration. I sent him down to Tali. Said she needed help with putting a stim program in her suit," he snickered, still not looking up.

"I don't even want to know..."

"Relax, Shepard. I said it to get Legion away from my guns." Garrus glanced over his shoulder and realized Shepard had already turned and was walking quickly away from him.

"Shepard, that's all? You not staying around to chat for a minute?"

"Nope," If she listened to his "in the middle of some calibrations" line one more time, she would take the stick he had taken out of his ass and beat him with it. Anyway, she had to get to Legion before a certain Quarian with a very badass shotgun did. A very badass shotgun that she, herself, just helped upgrade. Wait. Shepard stopped mid stride. Garrus had said a moment ago. How long was a moment ago? She hastily turned back.

\----------------------------------------------

Garrus puffed his chest up and smiled when he saw her walking back into the room. He was about to say something about appreciating the upgrades she had done for his sniper rifle when she shushed him.

"EDI," Shepard said while Garrus deflated. "Where is Legion now?"

"Legion is in the ventilation shaft between C and D deck, Commander," EDI's sultry voice replied.

"What the hell is Legion doing inside the ventilation shafts?"

"I believe Engineer Tali told Legion to "shove" himself into the ventilation shafts and sing the Elor's planetary anthem for six hours."

Shepard frowned and turned to Garrus, "This," she pointed to the ceiling at nothing in particular. "This is all your fault."

Garrus looked at her for a second, perhaps his mind was thinking of a way to apologize or to say something in defense of the accusation. Instead, the image of Tali poking her finger at Legion, telling him to go sing in the ventilation shaft, and Legion acknowledging her suggestion, asking if he needed to add in prefixes for emotions while he sang sent Garrus roaring with laughter.

Shaking her head and thrusting the still laughing Garrus farther away from the comm system roughly with her hips so his laughter was hopefully muffled, Shepard told EDI to patch her through the entire ship.

"This is the Commander speaking," Shepard announced after clearing her throat. "I am going to lay down a very simple rule today. NO MORE LEGION ABUSE! And when I say No More Legion Abuse! I mean no more asking him to sing in the ventilation shafts! No more making him hold toilet bleach or brushes for hours! No more putting sheets over his head and letting him sit in the elevator all day, running out of it and back into it when it opens! And no more trying to make him tattoo himself with concentrated laser beams! When I said find Legion something to do when he asked if he could help, I meant find him something relevant!"

Then, inhaling deeply, she yelled, "And Legion! Get your skinny tin can butt out of ventilation and see me in the main battery! NOW!"

Shepard closed the comm and glared at Garrus, "Your fault, Vakarian."

"What does all that have got to do with me?" Garrus was still chuckling. "I didn't ask him to do any of those things you just said."

"Everytime he comes looking for you and asked if you needed help with calibrations, you sent him to someone else with a made up problem they had that you knew  
would get them all fired up! And that was how all these got started!" She poked him on his armored chest. "The only people on this ship who don't abuse Legion are Jacob and me. And Jacob doesn't do it because he doesn't have that much instantaneous creativity and is too busy doing crunches!"

"I know I am awesome and inspiring but even I can't take credit for all these creativity." Garrus' mandibles widened. "And, it's not abuse if he enjoys doing them, Shepard."

"You had Mordin made him count the number of parenchyma cells in a petri dish for two hours over and over without using Geth technology until I went to his rescue! Every time when Legion said he was done, Mordin told him to check it twice for science!"

"I don't even know what parenchyma is," Garrus laughed. He was definitely enjoying this.

\----------------------------------------------

"Finally, Legion," Shepard sighed loudly. "I've been waiting for you for the better part of an hour!"

Legion walked into the room perfectly intact with just some florescent pink fluffs here and there in the hole where the piece of her old N7 armor was. Cobwebs? No way. Shepard wondered what space spiders would resided in the ship's ventilation shafts that could spin that kind of webs and worse, what they fed on. For the second time that day, she realized she did not want to know.

"Shepard-Commander, Garrus-Vakarian," Legion greeted. Garrus nodded back with a big grin on his face, evident by how wide his mandibles were. "We find steering this unit astern out of the ventilation shafts more challenging than calculated. There were many unseen obstacles. We are forming a consensus on how to best improve the visual efficiency of this unit for future manipulations if such circumstance presents itself again. How can we be of assistance?"

"You want to put eyes on your ass?" Garrus cracked up again, much to Shepard's annoyance.

Ignoring him, Shepard took the data pad from where she had chucked it when she made her announcement and handed it to Legion.

"I want you to reply to this letter for me."

"Understood, Shepard-Commander," Legion said. "How should we proceed?"

"Just answer it as if it was from me," Shepard answered. "You have watched me speak to people in the ship. You should know how I function, at least well enough to think like me."

"Affirmative."

"You are making Legion your secretary now?" Garrus asked, wiping away tears.

"Shut up, Garrus. It's just one letter."

"Okay, now I am curious. What is the letter about that the Great Commander Shepard is too afraid to answer?"

"I'll have you know, Vakarian, that I am not afraid to answer it. But I thought having Legion answer it would be much, much better," She sounded proud of herself, emphasizing on the two "much" words.

"So what is it about?"

Shepard took it off Legion's hands and handed it to Garrus.

\----------------------------------------------

"You are making Legion answer this?" Garrus looked up after reading the letter from Kaidan. "Remind me to be always on your good side, Shepard."

"You are not on my good side, Vakarian," Shepard said. "And if you don't stop calibrating all the time, you will be on the receiving end of that stick you had out of that ass soon."

"What's wrong with my calibrations?" Garrus questioned. "My calibrations put even Legion to shame."

"Geth do not know shame," Legion said.

"You did not just say that," Shepard's mouth dropped. "Legion! You are setting yourself up!"

"You see how entertaining this guy is, Shepard?" Garrus was laughing again."Can you blame me?"

"Stop making fun of Legion, Garrus," Shepard said. "And what's up with you and your calibrations anyway? You practically calibrated every inches of the damn ship by now. Even Tali doesn't calibrate as much as you do and she is in engineering. If a dexo-nemmo whatever-the-fruit-name is needs calibrating, you would be doing it. You have been calibrating everything but me! And if you do not come up to the loft and pop that heat sink of mine soon, I will just have to stick a vibrator onto Legion and get him to do it!"

"What?" Garrus was now less amused. "Whatever happened to the No Legion Abuse rule?"

"It's not abuse if he likes it, Garrus," Shepard smirked and wiggled her brows twice.

"Shepard-Commander, it would be inefficient to make Garrus-Vakarian discharge your heat sink every time you need a reload."

"Yes, Legion," Shepard said, narrowing her eyes on Garrus. "I am beginning to think its a bad idea asking Vakarian to pop my heat sink too. He never gets around to doing it anyway."

"What? No!" Garrus, raised a hand instinctively as if to block a strike. "It's not like that..."

"Oh yes it is, Vakarian. Actions speaks louder than words. And your actions lately are telling me I should look elsewhere for help with my heat sink."

What a turn of events.

"The Thanix Cannon...," Garrus gestured to the big guns behind him. "The Thanix Cannon is our best offensive... I need to make sure..."

"So, Legion, what say we set you up with a vibrator, huh?" Garrus was ignored again.

"Vibration is an unnecessary move to discharge heat sinks. We can come to a consensus to draw up possible upgrades to increase the effectiveness of Shepard-Commander's heat sink discharges. Shall we proceed?"

"No! Nothing pops Shepard's heat sink but me!" Garrus shouted. Shepard raised an eyebrow. "I mean..."

\----------------------------------------------

"Ok, you can stop laughing now, Shepard."

"You asked for it, Vakarian," Shepard smiled.

"I will stop calibrating this and fine tune you as much as you need from now on. Just do stop torturing me." Garrus put his arms around Shepard's waist and lightly bumped their foreheads together. He sighed and was smiling too.

"So, you know how that feels like, huh? Tell you what, you stop messing with Legion and I stop messing with your calibrations and your heat sink," She said, also still smiling.

"Deal."

"For what it's worth, Garrus, I know why you are always calibrating. But I want you in bed with me when bedtime comes around, understand?"

"Absolutely, Commander."

Shepard let her hands around him go and headed for the door. "I expect your naked Turian ass in my bed by meal time tonight. I'll bring dinner. And we will eat it in bed."

"Oh, I will be there," Garrus hummed.

"And Legion," Shepard said without looking back. "You know what to do with the letter. Just be me and answer it."

"Affirmative." Legion answered.

"She's bad, Legion," Garrus said slowly as he watched Shepard sashayed away. "And that is so sexy."

Legion flapped his several panels.


	3. The Awesome Brigade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Legion wrote a letter. The gang has something to say.
> 
> .

"Garrus-Vakarian, we believe it is not wise," Legion said, watching Garrus sitting opposite him in the mass hall, typing on the data pad.

"Relax, Legion. I am just going to add a line or two to this."

"Shepard-Commander had ordered us not to allow anyone to change the letter," Legion's panels flapped. "And we are to send it out as it is without her review."

"Yes, I know what Shepard said," Garrus replied. "She said not to "change" anything, she did not say not to "add" anything. It is not against orders, Legion."

Legion flapped his panels some more and tilted his head slightly.

"Well?"

I

"We have reached a consensus," Legion said after exactly six point four five second. "You are right."

Garrus grinned and continued typing. Just then, as if possessed, the comm in the mass hall suddenly crackled.

"Hey! If the birdman gets to add a line, I get to add mine too!" Joker's voice came over it.

"What the hell, Joker," Garrus jumped. "Didn't your mom teach you to be discrete when eavesdropping?"

"Didn't yours teach you not to wear blue lipstick on your face?" Joker said. "Look, Legion, I am just saying. As long as I don't change anything once I wrote it down, it should be fair game, right?"

"Affirmative," Legion answered.

"You're so not gonna have all the fun on this one, birdman," Joker mused. "Get it up here now."

"Joker, Spirits! You trying to let everyone know? Keep it down!" Garrus stared at the comm.

"Too late," that was Tali. "If Joker gets to write, I get to write."

"What the hell are you doing in the cockpit?" Garrus asked her.

"Joker said there was a "technical" problem in the cockpit I needed to look into. I came in and he was listening in on you guys."

"It is a technical problem! My chair IS squeaking! I need someone from engineering to oil it!"

"I will forgive you this time," Tali said coldly through her mask. "Because I walked in to hear this. But I am NOT oiling your chair. Sit in it and die, Joker."

"Oh, shut the fuck up both of you, before someone else hears this," the Turian hushed. "Fine. You want it? You two get your sorry asses down here to do it. I'm not a courier service."

"But squeaking chairs are a technical problem! It hinders performance!"

"Sit in it and die, Joker," Tali said, her voice farther now from the comm. "Sit in it and die."

"Hey! Wait for the cripple! I am not standing around the CIC for ten minutes waiting for the elevator with Shepard standing right there in front of it!" Joker hissed after her. "Don't go anywhere, Garrus birdman, the Awesome Brigade is coming down."

With that, the comm went silent.

\----------------------------------------------

"Can I write too?" Grunt said, walking over to stand among the group that had pulled up chairs and cornered themselves along the med bay wall opposite the kitchen.

"Spirits! Where did you come out from?" Garrus pushed back his chair to stand up, making sure there were no more surprises.

"For such a big guy," Tali said. "You walk as quiet as a pyjak."

"You people talk too loud," Grunt said. "Krogans have good ears."

"Just go back to your tank and do whatever you Krogans do to fall asleep before bedtime," Joker said without looking up from his typing.

Grunt grunted.

"What?" Joker looked up finally. "You can't even spell! You don't even follow the space between words rule! If we let you write this you are going to give us all away!"

"But I want to write something!" Grunt breathed loudly, his face turning red.

"Just let him, you bosh'tet," Tali back hand smacked Joker.

"Awww, watch the brittle bones!"

"Fine!" Garrus called order. "But no one else after Grunt. Legion is taking this back to the A.I core and none of us will see it ever again, am I understood?"

"Crystal."

"Yah, yah, birdman."

"You are not the boss of me, Turian."

\----------------------------------------------

"So, what was all the rackets about outside in the mass hall, Legion?" Doctor Chakwas asked when Legion stepped into the med bay.

"Creator Tali'Zorah, Garrus-Vakarian, Grunt-Urdnot and Flight-Lieutenant-Joker-Moreau were adding post scripts lines to the reply letter Shepard-Commander made to Alenko-Staff-Commander."

"The one Shepard told you to write? I thought she told you not to let anyone change it?"

"They did not. It is not against orders to add to it."

There was a moment of silence before Doctor Chakwas' lips curled up in a slight smile. She pushed the chair away from her table.

"Really, now?" The Doctor turned from her seat to face Legion and held up her hand. "Let's see that for a moment, shall we?"

\----------------------------------------------

Alenko did not move. He had not move for a while now. But staring at the screen infront of him with his right brow twitching and his brain clouded over with extreme confusion, he decided that this would have been so much easier if he had been drunk. He did not know whether to read the letter again, delete it or start a intergalactic virus scanner for extranet on it. He was afraid to touch his screen for fear that the letter would end up sending an electric current that might tangle itself up with him, crawl up his nostril to his brains and fry his implants. In front of him, the letter watched him as he watched it.

\----------------------------------------------

-Alenko Staff Commander

We are Shepard Commander and we shall answer your mail. We have come to the consensus that there are only two questions posted in the letter and they were polar questions. However, we shall answer them fully.

Question 1: ,you know?  
Answer: No.

Question 2: Do you even remember that night before Ilos?  
Answer: No.

We are unable to reach a consensus on the apology on Horizon as we do not understand where the apology should be applied. Please specify if apology was extended due to one of the following:

1: The ineffective way of calibrating the Gardian towers after a total of 79:43:27 Horizon hours and 319,888.45 credits spent.

2: The Alliance's failure to protect the colony of :  
698,685 Earth imported humans,  
789,287 Earth imported cows,  
861,364 Earth imported chickens,  
45 Earth imported dogs,  
26 Earth imported cats.

We have not come to the consensus if the Collectors were more interested in abducting Earth imported female cattle and fowls. We understand that no Earth imported ducks were taken in the process of the abduction. However, we have been informed by Garrus Vakarian, upon review of this reply, that ducks fly and would present a bigger challenge to abduct. We will inform you once we do come to a consensus.

We are unable to reach a consensus regarding "pulling" yourself "back together". It has not been indicted in your service record or this letter that you needed medical attention after boarding the shuttle pod during the SSV Normandy SR1's evacuation. Please explain if you have lost a limb during evacuation or had broken one like Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau. We shall extend sympathy to the situation. We have a hole. We can understand.

We are happy that your addiction to alcohol is nothing serious and was supervised by a doctor. We understand how collective viral influence can destroy a weak unit. Choices were given to the Heretics too. But the Heretics decided to give up right and chose wrong. We understand your unit is weak, as informed to us by the sealed Alliance psychological profiling records under your name. We did not intentionally infiltrate. It was a necessity for the completion of the reply to this letter.

Please however indicate the time frame of guilt before "moving on" as well as be specific on which "doctor on the Citadel". We do not comprehend unspecified timeline or people. We can come to a consensus to prepare a multiple choice questionnaire for your answering pleasure if you find writing specified data difficult. We are unable to feel the trauma of becoming an alcoholic because it had not been updated into our database. But we have a hole. We understand having a hole.

We correct your misassumption that there were Cerberus personnel on Horizon during our occupancy. Doctor Mordin Solus is a Salarian geneticist and a former operative of the Special Tasks Group. Officer Garrus Vakarian was an officer of the C-Sec's Investigation Division in the Citadel with Specters' training. We, Shepard Commander, was dead, and therefore will be know as a Systems Alliance N7 Commander and the First Human Specter Before Demise until further notice. None of the above were Cerberus personnel and did not wear Cerberus uniform. We, Shepard Commander, was wearing N7 armor. Doctor Solus was in his clinic lab coat from Omega. Garrus Vakarian was in heavy C-Sec armor. His has a hole too.

We have calculated through information from your service record that you have seen a total of 4 deaths in the course of your career. We, Shepard Commander, had seen 69 deaths of close comrades, friends and acquaintances. We understand the unpleasantness associated with the perception of hurt. We are, however not in pain, as our hormonal levels is indicating. We have reach a consensus that having Officer Garrus Vakarian pop our heat sink in the captain's quarters of the current SSV Normandy SR2 is an effective function. We can refer you to him if you need assistance in overcoming your disability.

\- Shepard Commander

P:S: The only time Garrus Vakarian will pop a heat sink any where near you is when he puts a bullet through you. Do not come within ten miles of us or you will understand what it feels like to have your ass split open with a stick.

P:S:S: The next time you suit up, you will notice that you have a upgraded program that releases precisely timed histamine into your system. It was the Quarians who perfected the body suit, so it's only natural that Quarians would reverse its function for you. Happy sneezing in your helmet.

P:S:S:S: Calling us traitors? Dude, there is not enough hair gel in the universe that can save you from this. Just for you, we are collecting Drell spits! Watch out the next time you sip any beverages.

p:Ss:s:S: YoU ayE a FaUilaR! wEw iLl UsE yOu aS PyJik BaIt! we WiL fEed YUo To UrZ!

This is Doctor Chakwas. I sent you a virus. It is state of the art, singularly unique virus developed by one exceptional individual A.I. known as Legion. I made him do it. It's a fitting present for all your foolish, inconsiderate comments. If you insist on acting like you are living in the stone age, Alenko, I will grant you your wish. Touch the screen, I dare you. And young man, next time you visit my med bay, bring your own medi-gel.


	4. A Trouble A Brewing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Legion was hard to out-do (as well as un-do) while Vega might have started the Mars trouble.

Alenko watched the muscled man do pull ups in his armor by the weapons bench. On the other end where the elevator was, a Lieutenant Steve Cortez (as the name tag suggested) had entered the shuttle bay and had given Alenko a silent salute before going to his station. The air was heavy. Earth was burning and the Normandy was on route instead to Mars. Shepard had gone up to the cockpit. It would only be less than fifteen minutes before they reached Mars. Alenko had not the faintness idea why Shepard would leave to go to the cockpit while they still had unfinished business to attend to. They could have settled their differences within that time if she had not gone up. Alenko had to know why she thought he was brainwashed by the Alliance. She should know better than that. She was here now, which meant she knew the Alliance would not do such things. He needed to ask her why she could think that.

Then, there was this thing with a really strange reply he had gotten from her that he needed to tell her about.

He had come to the conclusion that Cerberus must have had her mails tabbed and had sent a rather peculiar virus named Legion whenever Alliance personnel contacted her. He thought she should know about how the virus had answered her mail for her and then went bonkus, spewing words that sounded like Joker and even identified itself as Doctor Chakwas and told him it was a Legion! He had waited a full half an Earth hour before he took the dare and touched the pad wherein the whole screen just went blank and suddenly, the data pad started bouncing like a Mexican jumping bean right after a Vorcha's voice boomed and spouted poetry, half in ancient Vorcha! Not even his translator could handle the screeching and hissing! He had not dared smashed the thing to pieces or risked throwing it away in the trash in his kitchen, not with a name like that. Legion? How many electrical items can it infect? He did not want his kitchen blender to suddenly start dancing in the middle of the night... or worse, quoting Vorcha poetry. He finally had to throw his data pad into the recycle center, enduing the ride to the place with all the Vorcha screeching and siting on the pad to stop it from jumping. He was nursing a terrible migraine for days after, not to mention a rather numbed bum too.

Maybe fifteen minutes was not enough to clear everything with Shepard after all. But it should be enough to speak to the person whom Shepard had spent most of her time with for the past six months.

\----------------------------------------------

"Major," the muscled man greeted Alenko as he approached but did not stop his exercise.

"So, you were assigned to the Commander for the past six months?" Alenko asked.

"Yes, sir," the other man, James Vega, jumped off the pole and nodded.

"So how was she like, Lieutenant?"

"I thought you said you knew her, Major," Vega frowned.

"I do know her. We were together actually...before the first Normandy ...went down...She died... Then she came back, alive...," Alenko explained. "And frankly, I am worried about her. The last I saw her...after two years...she seemed... Different."

"Maybe she just didn't like you no more," Vega shrugged. "Being dead can do that to you. And two years is a freaking long time if you ask me."

"It's not like that, Lieutenant," Alenko pity this brute so he decided to go slow and explain. "She had been working with Cerberus for the past two years. I am worried she had been brainwashed by them. Her actions when I saw her again were...strange."

"I thought you said she was dead? It's hard to work for someone when you are dead, migo,"

"She wasn't dead, she said she was. She was...I don't even know what she was doing those two years except she was working with Cerberus. But she wasn't dead."

"Ah...," Vega said. "So your not dead but dead and came back to life ex-girlfriend from two years back was acting strange in front of you when you met her again. I got it."

"Okay," Alenko shut his eyes. "Let's forget about that part. I just want to know how she was behaving the past six months."

"She looked okay to me. Alive and kicking, if you know what I mean." Vega smirked.

"Was there anything strange with her?"

"You mean did she ever suddenly jump up in the middle of the night and twist her head backward while doing the conga?"

"You know what I mean."

"Nope. Not at all."

"I mean did she act like she was brainwashed by Cerberus?"

"How do people who are brainwashed by Cerberus act besides shooting us on sight?" Vega frowned again. "They have some Cerberus song they sing? A chant they recite? They go around saying, "We are the bitch with three heads and six itchy balls that seal your destiny!" Major. I know nada where you are getting at."

"I mean, did she ever tried to contact Cerberus?"

Vega blinked and then said, "It's like asking me if my Abuela ever used a rubber chicken as a dildo."

"What?"

"That means it's a thing you should not be even thinking or asking."

"How do you know that? How can you be so sure?" Alenko asked.

"I know my Abuela will never use a rubber chicken or a dildo."

"I mean Shepard!"

Vega stared at the man without trying to be rude. This guy is a Major after all. But Jesus! Was he one big thick head. Was he not Alliance? Did he not know how tight Alliance security for the brig was? The Commander was under lock and key since day one. All Alliance personnel knew that. She did not even have a data pad during that time. The one note she had asked him to help deliver was handwritten with a blunt pencil. And she had not stopped him when he read it, as he was supposed to.

"Come to think of it, there was this one letter..."

"What about it?" Alenko perked up.

"Must be coded letter to Cerberus. Cos it sounded like a code letter to me. If it wasn't for you, it had to be for Cerberus."

"I did not receive any letters from her. I had a virus... I was afriad to open any personal letters after."

"It was handwritten and all with lips and hearts drawn too. I bet those lips are some code like for bomb or something. And those hearts were codes meant like for the names of assassins."

"What else was there?"

"It was in code, man! It's hard to remember. Something yada yada... Sitting in the brig yada yada. Space your sorry ass and cut your reach short if you stay here with me yada yada. Don't you dare calibrate anything else while I am here yada yada. Popping something... Man! It's hard to remember."

"Something about heat sink?" Alenko asked nervously.

"I don't remember, migo. Maybe. Maybe something about popping them."

Alenko turned ashen white. Legion... Cerberus had used the virus on his girlfriend! He could not believe how advanced Cerberus technology was. He felt weak in the knees.

\----------------------------------------------

"You sure you are supposed to be playing with the Major like that?" Cortez asked Vega.

"Hey, Esteban, I was telling the truth. No playing."

"Esteban?"

"Yeah. You look like an Esteban."

"I will take that as a compliment then. But Mr. Vega, I really worry about how you played your cards with the Major."

"Let him stew. He has some serious issues. I can't stand his kind of loco. Gotta love a man who underestimates me though," Vega winked.

"I am more worried about the repercussion you get from it with the Commander."

"Nah. The letter was cleared by Admiral Anderson. My job was to deliver it to him so he can give it to the right guy. I wouldn't have brought it up if the Major hadn't been so hell bent on wanting to believe only what he wants to believe. I trust the Commander. No need to question her loyalty. I made up the parts about hearts and lips though. It wasn't the most exciting love letter. Had to spice it up a bit with Major loco there."

"How could you possibly know if it was a love letter?" Cortez smiled and asked.

"Seriously, Esteban? "Calibrate nothing but me"? "Pop the heat sink"? It's like the worse come on lines ever written in one letter, man! It's so bad you can't even expect it to be fake! It's a love letter between two very unimaginative and unromantic suckers. That's all there..."

"Did you just call me unimaginative and unromantic and a sucker all in one sentence, Vega?" The Commander's voice sneaked up from behind him.

"Commander!" Vega saluted and stood still. Cortez saluted too but was holding back laughter.

"What the hell did you do, Vega?"

"Nothing to worry about, Commander," Vega said, still stiff.

"You," Shepard pointed to Cortez. "You tell me."

Cortez exchanged a look with Vega.

"Nothing you need to worry about, Commander," he said too. "Except maybe the Major. He seemed hmmm... Stressed." He pointed to the Major who was looking a little sick over where Vega was doing pull ups a moment ago.

"Oh him," Shepard said. "He is one marble shot of something on most days anyway. But he is good with his biotics and works fine in a team when his mouth is shut and his brains aren't thinking. You two though... I know something went on here while I was gone. And if it had something to do with causing the Major stress, Vega... I don't need no shit from him right now. You better not have done anything to cause ME stress."

"Just answering the Major questions like a good Alliance Marine, MDM!" Vega said.

"Like a good Alliance Marine, huh?"

"Yes! Mdm!"

"We shall see about that. Get your ass in the shuttle, on the double!"

"Aye aye, Commander!"


	5. Obvious...Obvious...Not so Obvious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mars mission... Alenko... Vega and Shepard going ARGH!

"Those guys were Cerberus, weren't they?" Vega asked when they had taken down the last one.

"Yap. They were. Thank you very much, Captain Obvious," Shepard answered.

"Cerberus?" Alenko asked. "What's Cerberus doing here?"

"Getting some cheap Christmas shopping done early?" Shepard rolled her eyes and answered with indifference.

Didn't she just called Vega "Captain Obvious"? Wasn't it obvious they were Cerberus. Was this "State The Obvious" day and someone forgot to send her a memo? How many times did she have to say or think the word "obvious" before people actually wised up and stopped telling her what was so obvious? Obvious... Obvious... Obvious...

She turned and saw Alenko's expression. "What?" She barked. "Obviously I wouldn't know, right?"

Obvious... Obvious... Obvious...

"You don't know? You have to admit, it's a little... Convenient."

Shepard rolled her eyes again. Having Alenko here with her did not make her day. If there was a God, she was going to have a word with that guy and asked Him why other girls could have drunken one night stands with men hundred time worse looking then Kaidan Alenko and yet gotten away with it the next day with no psychological trauma from the guys after. But Shepard? Noooooooo. He just had to punish her for that one stupid night by turning Alenko into a bobbing head doll that constantly jumped out of the box from no where and squealed, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

"Convenience is when you accidentally fall face first onto a rock and break all your teeth right now, Alenko. Cos this," Shepard gestured with her fist, stating the current situation. "This is definitely an inconvenience to me."

She did not wait for a reply or retort or whatever nonsense the man would cook up with next and rushed up front to position herself behind cover.

\----------------------------------------------

More Cerberus troopers had come out of the Mars base. Vega and Alenko made quick work of a small cluster of them while Shepard picked off two with her newly acquired M92-Mantis I the way Garrus had showed her. God, she missed that Turian. Her worries for his safety would have crashed her if she had not been so dead set on barbecuing every damn Reaper out there at the moment. She missed that Turian because if THAT Turian were a bobbing head doll, the most he would go was, "Calibration! Calibration!" And that would actually be much more adorable and endurable than bobbing head Alenko!

"The hell," Vega said. "Those guys were a joke! Did Cerberus put their troopers through dance class instead of basic training?"

"Nah, dances classes are too expansive, Vega. They spent all their credits reviving dead Alliance Commanders and tricking them into going on suicide missions with live baits like the disabled gossip-mouth Joker," Shepard said.

Vega laughed.

The three of them made their way toward the entrance of the Mars station, guns still ready, making sure no more surprises were in store for them.

"You sure though they are bringing back the good ones?" Vega returned the jest from behind the Commander.

"Hell yeah. Only the best, Krogan boy," Shepard smiled, stepped into the base and hit the elevator panel.

\----------------------------------------------

Bobbing head Alenko just did not know when to give up.

"Shepard, I need a straight answer," he pushed aside Vega and walked toward Shepard who was at the controls.

"God! Kaidan..."

"Don't "Kaidan" me, this is business. Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?"

Obvious... Obvious... Obvious...

"You are something else, Major. Even I trust the Commander more." Vega laughed. "Commander Shepard has been on constant surveillance since she came back to Earth. No way they communicated since."

"You worked for them, for God sake, How am I not supposed to think that?" Alenko ignored Vega.

Obvious... Obvious... Obvious...

"Ok, that's it," Shepard pushed herself away from the controls. "I have had enough of you asking me about Cerberus. All these damn questions you kept asking, they are the same! Every. One. Of. Them. The same old thing. Am I with Cerberus? Why am I with Cerberus? Am I with Cerberus? Why am I with Cerberus? Am I with Cerberus? Why am I with Cerberus? You just go on and on and on and on and these are the only two questions you basically asked!"

Shepard took a breath.

"And then after I nicely answered you, you asked the same thing again! You are like a child, Alenko! A child sitting in the back seat going ,"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"" She didn't think telling him about the bobbing head Alenko was a good idea, so she improvised and used a time tested example instead.

"If I gave you the answer you wanted, you asked again! If you saw something of what looked remotely like it might have something to do with the "Cerberus incident", you asked the same fucking questions again! If I didn't give you the answer you wanted, you won't quit asking again! Either way, you just keep on going and going and going! So give me one damn good fucking reason why I should even entertain you?"

"Do you have any idea how exhausting you are? You keep needing that ego of yours stroked. Cos this is exactly what it is! You needing your ego stroked! This isn't about me. This isn't about "business" with Cerberus. This whole thing is all about you being a bob...I mean a child! It's all about you needing to put me back to the same unrealistic display shelf you put me in so you can admire the hell out of that illusion of me you have. If you don't get me to fit into that mold you have of me, you turn on me!"

"I would never do that, Shepard," Alenko was wide-eyed. "I'd follow you to hell and back!"

"And be on my ass constantly chewing my head off for doing the best I can with what little I have got? No thank you."

The elevator stalled, signaling that they had reached their destination.

"Sorry, Shepard. It's just that..."

"Just shut the fuck up and do your job, Alenko," Shepard said after taking off her helmet.

She walked out of the elevator without turning back.

"I think you pissed her off...," Vega said quietly.

God! Shepard threw her hands in the air, asking the ceiling "Why me?" What was up with the men in her life these few months?

Obvious... Obvious... Obvious... Obvious...!

"There's more to it. If they really did rebuilt her from the ground up... How can we trust she is the same?" Alenko said, also quietly.

But Shepard heard him, pointed her finger to the ceiling and half grunted, "I am so gonna kick Your ass for doing this to me!" She said to the ceiling.

"Damn, Pandejo," Vega sighed. "You really one nut short of a full set... up there, I mean. We have Reapers hot on our asses right now. Just a few minutes ago, you watched them burn down our homes. But you were all cool and shit. Now a few Cerberus nachos not even related to Shepard and you go crazy bitch like that? Maybe you did lose more than just a nut... That was some bitchy shit you pulled. "

"You don't understand. They gave her a ship. Resources..."

"You mean that ship we came in on?" Vega asked. "The one she stole from Cerberus which is totally state of the art and can stealth through a Reaper's anus and out through its nose and not get us detected? Man! If they give me a ship like that, I'd say "thank you very much" and steal it right from under their noses just like the Commander did."

\----------------------------------------------

"...Not if we can find a short range communicator. From one of the helmets...convince them that we are on their side. Tell them the Alliance forces are taken care of..."

"Go find one then," Shepard said.

Liara stopped and watched the Major stalked off to find what he was tasked to look for. Vega was waiting in the shuttle for extraction and the other two were waiting on Liara to override the doors.

"What?" Shepard asked, following Liara's eyes.

"The Major has become very capable."

"Liara," Shepard shook her head. "I really don't know where you people get your benchmark from when it comes to capability, but I can tell you, an eleven-year-old can come up with that plan."

"I think you are too hard on him, Shepard," Liara said softly while returning to her hacking.

"Too hard on him?" Shepard fumed. "Have you seen the way he questioned me?"

"No," her friend smiled. "But I have read the letter you made Legion write."

"Hey! What did I say about no shadow breaking my things?"

"I didn't "shadow broke" it, Shepard. I intercepted it and simply added a little truth to all the empty threats made to the poor guy." She smiled mysteriously.

"What threats?" Shepard was confused. "Did Legion made threats? In that letter? Legion? Made threats?..."

"Not Legion, Shepard," Liara said. "Everyone else did."

Shepard widen her eyes in shock.

"Everyone who knew the Major back in the old Normandy, mostly," Liara said.

"No way! They didn't! I need a copy of that letter."

Liara laughed. "Will send you one when we get out. But seriously Shepard, we have traumatized him quite a lot with the reply," she added.

"You guys did," Shepard shrugged. "I never did nothing." Then she narrowed her eyes at her friend. "Why did you join in their madness too if you think it was bad?"

"Oh, Shepard," Liara continued to smile. "I might have gotten over the crush on you, but I never forgot what an ass he was behaving like when he thought he had you. Girls of our caliber never let an opportunity for revenge go unfulfilled. And I saw the opportunity when it presented itself in the letter."

"I have to ask, what did you do?"

"I gave him some poetry," Liara smiled widened.


	6. Everyone got theirs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hosptial scene.... and Garrus and Joker got their just deserves from Shepard.

Shepard marched up to the cockpit and roughly pushed at the chair, causing the owner to swing around and face her. A very surprised Joker blinked when his face came inches away from his Commander, who had bent forward close to him, allowing him to hear the slow and careful intake of her breaths. He was trapped between the two arms that were positioned at the head of the chair, inches away from his skull.

"Gees, Commander. Watch the brains. Can't have the best pilot brains all mushed up with all that swinging."

"Ah, yes," the Commander said. "That would just be terrible." Her tone menacing.

"You'd said it."

"So tell me. This best pilot. Who is so afraid of having his brains mushed up. Why did he decide to play punk with my letters?"

Joker blinked again and looked at the Commander. A frown appeared across his forehead. He had no idea what she was talking about. He turned slightly and look to EDI's mobile platform for help. Then he moved his eyes back to the very still Shepard.

"I believe Shepard is referring to the letter Legion was told to write. The one you and Garrus, Tali and Grunt intercepted before he was able to send it out," EDI reminded him, maybe pitying his situation and reading his distress, or maybe just paying him back for calling her a "porn star reincarnate with aluminum foil hair" right before Shepard had walked in and taken him prisoner. EDI did not stop what she was working on, nor did she turn to look at him. Yap. This was her payback.

"Ohhhh... That... Come on," Joker said. "It's not like I wrote a love letter to Udina in your name or something. It was just a few lines! And everyone did it, it wasn't just me."

"Oh, I know who wrote what," Shepard said. "And it's not what you wrote I am pissed about. It's how you guys simply kept me in the dark that pisses the crap out of me!"

"Do you have any idea how brilliant Legion's reply was?" Shepard continued. "And you guys went and totally gave yourselves away!"

"Well, did he know it was us?" Joker squirmed.

"No," Shepard said. "And that is because he is as oblivious as an ostrich in a Thresher Maw's nest!"

Joker's frown deepened at the expression.

"Wait," he said. "How did an ostrich find its way to a Thresher Maw's nest? They aren't even from the same planet."

"Shut up," Shepard shrieked. "I've no time to think of an appropriate comparison. I wanted Legion to write it for the reason that I want to screw with Alenko's mind for being such an ass! That was my prerogative! And you guys went and totally screw it up! One of you, I am not telling you who, even gave him a virus! A virus that made the data pad vibrate at a ridiculous speed and recited ancient Vorcha poetry! The next time we docked at the Citadel, I would have to go visit the poor guy in the hospital. What if he asked about it and I couldn't answer because I had no idea what happened beyond knowing Legion wrote it! Huh? Huh?" She poked his chest.

"Woh, watch the ribs. And that was not my idea," Joke held his hands up. "A virus, hah? Wow! That would have totally kicked ass! Why didn't we think of that before? And you know it now. That would totally not disadvantage you anymore."

"You guys are unrepentant!"

"Seriously, Shepard? You don't really believe that "poor guy" thing, do you? Sure, he got his ass kicked, but really? It's not like he is going on disability anytime soon with that yet. I will be repentant when I see some heartfelt apologies for us little guys. Until then, I'd give a week's pay to see the look on Alenko's face when he saw that virus."

"I will deal with you guys when I get back," Shepard released her hold on Joker's chair and made her way out. "You are on duty in the cockpit till I am back. You are going to eat here, pee here and shit here."

"You guys? Tali and Grunt are not even with us!" Shepard turned back and snatched Joker's copy of Forex off the counter. "Hey! That's mine!"

"Not anymore!" She started tearing it up as she walked off.

"That was a limited issue!"

Shepard was already gone.

"I am not chaining myself to the cockpit because of Alenko!" Joker shouted, fist in the air, finger pointing at the closing door. "I will go shit and pee where I want!" Then when all the hot air was let out, he whined a long whine. "My Forex... Oh baby, what's she doing to you?"

EDI was watching him. Even though her face was devoid of any expression, he could tell she had that snarky look on her.

"What?" Joker asked. "It's PMS, I'm telling you! She is PMSing! Going ape shit on people like that. You should be lucky you are more like us guys. My poor Forex..."

"If it pleases you Jeff, I can stimulate the collection of emotional symptoms monthly that mimics the Premenstrual syndrome related to a human female menstrual cycle." EDI said as she returned to her work.

"Like my life has not gone any weirder..." Joker was still a little sob-like when he commed Garrus.

\----------------------------------------------

The hospital grounds were packed with people, mostly visiting. Shepard headed straight for the room after getting the directions from the Information Counter, gently pushing aside people with an "excuse me" and "pardon please". She had limited time left before she had to get back to the Normandy and was glad she found the person she needed to see not long after she started looking through the windows of every room on both side of the wing. She backtracked to the door and almost bumped into the human weasel.

Udina gave her an ugly look before a short greeting as he made his exit, he did not bother to stop.

"God forbids should anyone stop you from looking like a constipated sea slug," Shepard said under her breath after the man.

Alenko was in bed looking pretty banged up and topless. The IVs and hook ups were gone and only thing that made him looked like he was injured was the heart rate monitor attached to one of his right hand finger, aside from the bruises, of course. Surprisingly, his hair had remained tidy and neat. It looked like he had even gelled it. Did he fix his hair the moment he was lucid enough? Even in the hospital? Did he have it with him even on missions? Shepard wondered in amazement. If he didn't, this guy had better hair on waking then she did when going to the Annual Alliance Dinner and Dance...Ball... or whatever they called those things she never went to. Shepard was so grateful at the moment that Garrus had no idea what bad hair day meant and he could not tell messy hair from neat even if his life had depended on it. She could wake up with the back of her hair flattened and plastered and sticking out from the top of her skull like that on a porcupine's butt and he would still think she looked ravishingly sexy. Shepard smiled.

The patient on the bed smiled back thinking it was meant for him. Fair enough. Shepard should be greeting him with a smile anyway. In bed with his bruised pectoral muscles showing, Alenko looked more like he had been roughed up by a dominatrix the night before rather then having had that Eva doctor... Wait! Holy shifty cow! Shepard thought. He WAS roughed up by a dominatrix! The body EDI now possessed did looked like she could be using whips instead of guns! Shepard pressed her lips together to stop her almost escaped laughter. Oh stop it, Shepard! She mentally slapped herself. First the constipated sea slug and now this? She had to stop coming up with inappropriate things like these whenever she had to act professional. The laughter she assassinated came up more like a quiet cough.

"Hey," she greeted him. "Shouldn't you be wearing something? It's drafty in here. It's gonna be a real bitch to catch a cold and start sneezing in your condition. You brain might fall out or you might pull some already strained something...something."

She handed him a bottle.

"Hey, Shepard," Alenko greeted her back, taking the whiskey from her and smiling at the brand. "Thanks. This is great. You know my tastes."

"Not really," She said. "Not much besides flowers and books in the shop. I am allergic to flowers and I am keeping the books. They look like collectibles. Left with this for you."

Alenko let out a small laugh, "Always joking," he said lightheartedly.

"I wasn't," Shepard looked confused.

"You just missed snack time. Actually, that's probably a good thing," Alenko tried some humor of his own.

Shepard blinked twice. What did snack time had got to do with her? It wasn't like the visitors got fed along with the patients...

"Thanks for coming," Alenko changed the subject when he realized he made a bad one.

"No problem," Shepard looked around for a chair to sit down. "What did Udina want?"

"He has offered to make me a Specter," Alenko said.

"And?" Shepard turned back with a chair and placed it near the bed. "I am guessing you are taking it?"

"It's a huge honor. A huge responsibility. Just need to be sure..." Alenko was still holding the bottle. He shifted his weight to put it away. "Maybe when I am out of here we can crack it open and celebrate. I am so ready to get out of here. I am tied to this bed by medical red tape. Doc says I am ready to go but then she always find one more test."

"So you are doing fine then?" Shepard said.

"My implants got rattled a bit so I need to lay off the biotics for a while but, it's really no big deal."

"A biotics told not to use biotics... I can see how that is not a big deal," Shepard said, then mentally slapped herself again. Be nice, Shepard! Stop being so sarcastic! This here equals the solider Alenko, not the bobbing head Alenko! Shepard had to remind herself. "It's good to see you ok, Alenko. I don't like people dying on my watch. It's horrible to see."

"I want you to be straight with me then," Alenko said. Oh oh... Shepard thought. Here we go again. "So, I just want to make sure, after Mars, after Horizon... You and me...we are good?"

Shepard let out a breath. Wow! Thank the Spirits! No drama!

"Yes, Kaidan," She said. "We did go through hell together before. We are good."

"I know that you are my Commander but you listen too. I told you how Rona broke my heart, you didn't judge me. We were soldiers, but also friends. We went through lots together."

Shepard scratched the spot above her ear. She could not for the love of life remember who Rona was or what she did to break Alenko's heart but she figured this was a bad time to tell him that. With Alenko, every other time seemed like a bad time to say things.

Alenko was quiet. Shepard watched him as he watched his fingers.

"Something else, Kaidan?" She asked. There was always something else.

"Yeah, maybe...," Alenko sighed. "Was there something between you and Garrus?"

Shepard totally dropped both her hands on the bed as if in surrender and just wanted to die right there. Why did she thank the Spirits before! He was just starting!

"Kaidan," She face palmed herself.

"Shepard, it's ok. I know you never meant to hurt me. I understand it was my behavior on Horizon. I shut you out. You must have felt so lost. I know I did bad. I won't blame you for cheating on me."

"Kaidan," Shepard sighed. "Every time you start this kind of conversation, I go into hyper-bitch mode. So today I am going to be talking to you as calm and well behaved as I can. God knows all my other attempts had failed."

"I did not cheat on you, Kaiden...," Shepard punctuated each and every word carefully.

"You lied! Everyone knows..." Kaidan interrupted.

"Shut the fuck up and let me finish!" Shepard snapped.

When Kaidan did not continue, she took a deep breath and tried to gain back the calm she had a moment before.

"I did not cheat on you," she repeated. "I couldn't have. Let me count the ways why. One, it was just one night. We were never dating before that! The way we were, if you had called that dating, then I would have dated three-quarter of the ship. We had a one night stand. Not a relationship.

Two, You walked into my quarters to a very drunk me! Even if you have confessed your undying love to me, I wouldn't have understood! And I don't even want to ask why you threw yourself at your very drunk commanding officer and took her to bed that night.

Three, I was dead. Like totally dead. And it wasn't like you were widowed and because of some strange custom had to remain celibate. You went dating "some doctor". Didn't that mean even you felt things were over? It would be totally unfair to call me a cheat when you went out for drinks with another woman while I was in a coma somewhere, IF we were together, which we never were.

Four, I know you do not want to hear this but I enjoy being with Garrus. With him, I don't feel like I am always walking on egg shells. I can beat the crap out of him one moment and the next we could be laughing at the silliest things. He gets my idiosyncrasies. And I get his. He gets my imperfection and I get his. And if anything, I felt like I have cheated on him for drunk-sexing you when really, I wanted him. Some people think I should treat him like a brother. But they forgot that the kind of faithfulness he shows with me had gone beyond that. What he is willing to give me, it has gone beyond "bro zone".

Look, I've said enough. I don't want to have to keep doing this with you. I really don't want to hear any of this brought up anymore."

"Yeah," Kaidan said quietly. "I think you should go now."

"Get some rest then," Shepard stood up and left without turning back.

\----------------------------------------------

Kaiden sat looking out the window for a long time after Shepard was gone. Finally, his face hardened and he took out his data pad and started typing:

Dear Dairy,

I know she still has feelings for me...

\----------------------------------------------

Garrus was sulking. Eve was eating porridge diagonally opposite him. Mordin was next to him on the left, reading off his data pad and occasionally talking to himself. Wrex was at head of the table, as usual. He was flanked by Mordin and Eve, and he was smirking, as usual. Vega was bringing everyone Levo coffee and a cup of Dexo tea for Garrus. Liara was helping Vega hand out the steaming hot beverages while Joker was seated opposite the sulking Garrus with his arms on the table and his head nested on them.

"Sulking? Turian?" Wrex asked.

"Scars been sulking since we met," the bigger human in the group said, sitting down next to the smaller one whose head was still nested in his arms. "I thought that was his usual face."

"I am not sulking," Garrus denied it. "And this IS my usual face."

"Even I can tell you are sulking, birdman," Joker said without opening his eyes. "And I'm not even looking."

"I should be the one sulking, Turian," Wrex continued. "You people sent the letter without me!"

"You were the one who wanted to sit on that toilet bowl of a throne and not come with us, oh Mighty Emperor," Joker said, turning his head to rest it on the other arm without opening his eyes.

"Could have sent me a copy to add my something," Wrex said.

"Never saw letter either," Mordin said. "Not disappointed. Alenko most likely oblivious after. Total waste of time. Not seen such example of thick headedness since school days. Teachers. Oblivious people. Told chemical components had balanced to gain desired effects, did not listen. Told not to take whiff, did not listen. Told not faint on lunch box, did not listen. Countless visits to principal's office on empty stomachs due to oblivious teachers."

"Man! You were a regular at the principal's office too?" Vega grinned.

"Believe all here were," Mordin answered.

"You people are acting like baby Krogans in diapers if you think some empty threats would do," Eve said quietly. "I thought better of you."

Not all threats were empty. Liara thought as she sipped her coffee.

"Anyway, I don't understand why everyone wants to be sulking. I should be the one sulking," Joker said. "I got double duty as punishment for the letter! She is using my latest copy of the Forex as wood shavings for her hamster! I watched her tore it to shreds! It was a special issue! And she told me she wasn't done with me! She thought I was the one who came up with the idea! She thought I lead this!"

"She pricked me with a needle in the med bay because I laughed when I overheard she and Chakwas talking about it!" Wrex said. "And I didn't even get to write anything!"

Eve's lips curled up slightly at that. It had totally amused her to no end when she saw how the tiny human female could walk all over Wrex.

"Chakwas was in it too?" Joker asked.

"She was," Wrex said. "And knowing Chakwas, she could basically talk herself out of any trouble."

"That leaves me and Garrus," Joker sighed. "And I just knew I will get the worse of her wrath."

"The Turian is sulking," Wrex chin pointed to Garrus. "He must have gotten something."

"So tell us, Scars," Vega said. "What punishment did you get from your defiance against the Great Commander Shepard?"

"Just leave it," Garrus said. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Am sure Vakarian would rather Aria throw Patriarch at him," Mordin said. "Less painful."

"God, I hope it has nothing to do with calibrations," Joker said. "That word has been used to death and then some more."

"Calibrations?" Vega asked and than grinned like the Cheshire Cat. "Now I get it. You are the other half of the hopeless unromantic! You two are like the powerhouse of epic fails for mushy words! How the hell did you ever turn a woman on?"

Vega laughed. Some at the table, like Wrex, joined in too. Some, like Mordin, had no clue what had happened because they were not exactly sure how to turn a woman on either.

"Shut the hell up, Vega," Garrus said. "Unless you want me to slug you across the face with the tea cup."

"You got to tell us what you get, man!" Vega said, still laughing. "They all say talking about it helps."

Garrus pushed himself up from the chair. "I don't want to talk about it. I am going upstairs to finish it. The sooner I am done with it, the sooner I can hope to forget about it." He walked off.

"He wish," Wrex said.

\----------------------------------------------

After Garrus entered the loft, he promptly planted himself on the couch and stared at what he was working on earlier before stealing a break. The bigger piece looked more like the head of an Earth cockatoo then that of a Turian. He had not even started on the body and he was already worried if he might need help getting a voice device into it. He had no idea what a bobbing head doll was, let alone how to make it so it could go "Calibrations! Calibrations!" every time you hit its head. What he knew was that he hated the fact that she had insisted he made it into an image of himself. He knew she would make him sign his work and then show it off when it was done. There was no way she was letting him live this one down.


	7. A Little Pillow Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little pillow talk is always healthy for relationship.

Sex these days was more like many playful forms of dance of dominance with both of them rolling all over one another to be on top, taking control of the cries of pleasures coming from each other. It was fun and serious, sexy and animistic all at the same time. Shepard was insatiable these two months. Her appetite for him was comparable to his for her. She blamed and claimed it was payback for that half a year of forced celibacy they both had to endured while they were apart. This payback saw them rendezvousing almost nightly in her bed up in the captain's quarters trying their personal best to out pleasure each other. Not that he was complaining. He had had more sex these two months than he did his entire adult breeding life since he came of age. And he had to admit he loved that she was the one getting most of his breeding needs out of his system in the most tenderizing manner he never thought possible. They now fitted so perfectly together it was hard to believe they were from very different worlds. Gone were the days of awkwardness when she had no idea how to coax his member out of its protective cover or when his nibbling on her nipples might accidentally cause her pain. With experience, they now simply just fell into the usual patterns and rhythms with enough differences in positions to take them higher in their private adventures.

Tonight, like any other lately, was one of those adventurous play nights. And he had given his all to it. She was flushed from the activity and her skin was seeing goosebumps from the cold air in the loft after he disentangled his Turian form from on top of her and settled by her side. Their usual strenuous workout had gotten her drenched to the skin, her hair wet with sweat, no thanks to his higher body temperature and that vigorous nature of his. She was a beautiful sight.

"Why do you always ended up on top in the end?" Shepard asked, still panting hard. Her eyes closed. "Someday, I will break that cycle."

Garrus hummed, pleased. "You know you love it when I am on top. It's not a grand finale unless I get you to scream like a little girl and call me "god", remember?" He pulled her in and nibbled on the spot near her collarbone. "And you are welcome."

"You are so full of shit, Turian," Shepard wiggled away from him, giggling.

The Great Commander Shepard, actually ticklish. He found that simply amazing.

"You chose Renegade sex, Shepard. And that's how Renegade sex ends. Every time." Garrus teased, catching her by her arms and pinning her down for more muzzling.

"Oh yar?" Shepard laughed and struggled. "So, you are telling me I have been choosing a sex option I don't even know I have been choosing?"

"Pretty much," Garrus grinned.

"Remind me again what are the options I have?"

"Renegade sex gives you fast, heart pumping, hot and bed-breaking Turian sex that send your screams vibrating through the walls. Paragon sex gives you slow, sweet, rhythmic and soft moaning Human sex, which you might need wine to get the full effect of."

"And every time, I defaulted to Renegade sex without knowing it, huh?" Shepard asked.

"Pretty much," Garrus repeated himself.

"Why do I get the feeling you are hard selling the whole Renegade Turian sex to me?" Shepard wiggled free from him and tried to get out of bed without being pulled back in again.

"Just selling it to you the way you like it," he made a grab to catch her and pull her back into his arms but she was as slippery as an eel and had slide herself totally out of bed.

"Customer satisfaction is a Turian's number one priority," he added.

"Customer this," She threw her shirt onto his fringe and watched it get caught there, draping over his face. She grinned like a kid at her perfect aim and headed up the stairs to the shower, hitting the head of the doll he made her on the way up.

"Calibrations! Calibrations!" It squeaked happily and bobbed a couple more times.

Hearing her laughter over the shirt she had threw on him made him smile. He pulled the thing off and threw it over the chair by the bed, still smiling. The spray of shower could be heard from the bathroom. Settling back against the bed, he sighed and just enjoyed this little stolen moment they had in this bed that had become a sanctuary for both of them. Once they were in this bed, there was no war, no Reapers, no burning planets. It was just the two of them. This was their own little world.

\----------------------------------------------

"Hey," Shepard boinked herself back into bed naked, then proceed to shake her wet hair out like a dog out of water right in front of him.

"Spirits, Shepard!" He exclaimed, throwing a pillow at her face to stop her. "You are getting the bed sheets wet!"

She caught the pillow and threw it back at him. Still laughing, she slithered up and planted herself onto the small intent between his shoulder and his cowl. Her hair was wet and fresh, smelling of her usual shampoo. It felt cool on his shoulder, like the feel of wet leaves on a Palaven autumn morning. His arm draped itself over her and pulled her closer.

"What were you thinking," she asked.

"About what you want, Shepard," Garrus said.

"What do you mean?" She looked up at him without moving her head.

"I want to know what you want," he replied quietly, licking her forehead once, his version of a kiss. "To just listen to you. It doesn't matter what."

"What if I tell you I want Alenko after the war?" Shepard glanced up at him. "What will you say then?"

Garrus watched her for a moment.

"I will say I would be very heartbroken. And I will say I will get myself very drunk for a while after the war is over. I will say I will take the earliest transport I can find back to Palaven to help rebuild it. I will say I will drink some more. May not be in that order."

"Not going to fight for me?" She pouted.

"Not if that is what you want," he said. "If that is what you want, that is what I'll give. You deserves as much."

"Really?"

"Really."

"So you are not just saying that because you know it's not happening? You are not just saying that because your big Turian ego tells you you are too big a stud to worry about it?" Shepard raised one brow.

"Hmmmm...," Garrus said. "Knowing you are the only one guy in the entire universe who can satisfy your woman emotionally and sexually does give you a certain...hmmm...confidence. This isn't before the Omega Four Relay anymore. I don't see him as competition like I used to, Shepard."

"You are so full of it, Turian," Shepard smiled and nested back in , closing her eyes.

"You did give yourself away by calling him by his last name," Garrus said. "While you only call me either "Garrus" or "Turian" or "Oh god, please don't fucking stop!" The last name was a dead give away."

Shepard chuckled but did not say anything.

\----------------------------------------------

"So...," Shepard said after a while.

"So...?" Garrus echoed.

"You are not going to be jealous that I am meeting Alenko for lunch tomorrow before seeing you?"

"Why? Should I be?" Garrus asked.

"Everyone and their talking socks seemed to be talking about Alenko these few days after he came back on board the Normandy. And they gossip like housewives in the marketplace."

"He did do enough to become a subject to talk about," Garrus relaxed his arm around her and shifted his weight so his pillow could better support his neck. "And I can never fully understand all your human expressions. "Everyone and their talking socks"?"

"Forget that expression, will you?" Shepard whined.

"You do have the tendency to make up some really ridiculous expressions at times," Garrus laughed.

"So what do you think about me allowing Alenko back on board? Think I shouldn't have?"

"We could always use the extra guns," Garrus shrugged. "And we need all the help we can get."

Garrus continued when Shepard did not say anything.

"Don't worry, Shepard. I will treat him with the respect due a warrior."

"I'm not so much worried about how you treat him than how his mouth might offend you," Shepard said. "You know why I asked him back?"

"My guess? To keep an eye on him now that he is a Specter so he doesn't go pissing off the wrong people, like Aria or even Samara, then getting himself killed before he even got a real shot at the Reapers."

"You know me so well," Shepard kissed her Turian lover and he returned her affection in kind.

"When Alenko walks into a wall, he just keeps on walking hoping the wall will give way. He is such as ass about that. Oblivious and stubborn and a total piss off. But he is not such a bad guy after you peel off those layers. I love messing with him because he totally pisses me off, but I felt like I should take up some of the blame for him being that way with me. I should have done better with him."

"Maybe," Garrus said. "But remember, you can't control what others do..."

"You can only control how you react? Why does that sound so familiar?"

"A very wise but sometimes crazy woman, who has not answered my question, once said that," Garrus answered.

"What was the question again?"

"So, tell me," Garrus said after a while. "What do you really want?"

\----------------------------------------------

"How about Earth?" Garrus asked the woman who had made herself very comfortable tugged in next to his body.

"Not Dexo enough."

"Palaven?"

"Too much silver. And radioactive."

"There is a big difference between "a slight higher radiation level than other planets" to being radioactive." Garrus lightly slapped her on her cheek.

"Not happening still." Shepard pushed his hand away.

"Fine, Rakhana?"

"Too arid."

"There is always Suen," Garrus continued. "Your adopted tank-born son will move right in after. He'll spend years searching the planet for Rachnis."

"Too much webs."

"Kahje."

"Too much water. You might drown. You sink, remember?"

"Sur'Kesh."

"Not unless with Salarian kids. Don't like my kids thinking they are stupid in a Salarian school."

"Thessia?"

"Too many Asari distractions. Bad for the Turian."

"So I guess Tuchanka is out then. Too many head butting distractions for you, Human," Garrus said. "Rannoch then."

"Not risking having to fight Tali for you. So no."

"What does Tali have to do with this?" Garrus was confused.

"Nothing much. And it will remain as nothing much."

"Seriously woman, first you are hard to please. Now you are going cryptic on me?"

"That's because you are not thinking to ask the right questions, Turian."

"Fine. Garden Worlds then," Garrus said. "How about Eden Prime?"

"Bad Fengshui."

"What?"

"It's got the worst luck. Always the center of some huge problems. No."

"Shanxi?"

Shepard lifted her head and the two locked eye for a second.

"Xenophobic," they both said at the same time.

"Bekenstein?"

"Illium, with less pretty people," Shepard shook her head. "Why don't you ask about Turian planets like Triginta Petra?"

"I am hoping not to live on any Turian colonies. It's tiresome. The rigidity."

"So we help rebuild both our home worlds and then we disappear? And we disappear somewhere not Turian based?"

"That's the basic idea."

"I thought this was supposed to be "What Shepard Wants"?"

"What Shepard wants has Vakarian in it," Garrus chuckled. "So Vakarian gets to have a say too."

"I guess we could try Elysium or Benning," Shepard thought after a while."Or we could settle on Virmire and my kids can ride some pod crabs..."

"Our," Garrus corrected her finally. "Our kids can ride some pod crabs."

"I was waiting for when you'd correct me on that," Shepard smiled and planted a long and sensual kiss on his chest.


	8. Lunch Date Part 1: Shepard's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alenko wanted to talk. Shepard just wanted to eat.

"Shut up, Turian," Shepard said over her ear set. "You can't make me blush even if you try."

"I'll try till it works," Garrus answered from the other end. "So, are you ready to hear what I'll be doing to you later tonight?"

"Oh, you have it all planned out now, don't you?" Shepard smiled as she walked toward the elevator without looking at the Turian she just passed. He was standing nonchalantly by the sky cars watching her like he was just another stranger appreciating a great view of her swaying hips.

"Call it occupational hazard. Planning has become a vice and an addiction," Garrus said. "So, I was looking at this really big hot tub in that awesome apartment and thinking, how about we take a long dip in it tonight? Right after I put that sexy ass you are swaying now on the slick looking kitchen counter and lick some dexo chocolate syrup off you? I can see a few places I'd like to pour that chocolate."

Shepard turned around in the elevator to give the Turian a seductive light flying kiss with her lips that was hard to catch unless people were watching closely. He caught it alright, for she saw his brow plates lifted slightly before the door closed and cut them off from each other visually.

"I thought I am your only addiction?" Shepard tried to sound unhappy. "And you are done with shopping for the next few days? It's been barely two hours since I gave you the codes to the apartment."

"What can I say?" Garrus laughed. "I am that awesome... And having a market two streets down where the apartment is, helped."

"And having Cortez and Traynor taking over the preparation for the party, even though I told you to get it done, helped double," Shepard called him out.

"Nothing get pass you, huh?" came his reply.

"What can I say?" Shepard answered, "I am that awesome."

"I'll have you know, Shepard, that because I am so good at delegating that I have time to prepare a memorable and unforgettable day with you that will lead up to a memorable and unforgettable night in your new apartment."

"I will believe it when I see it, Turian." Shepard's smile widened.

The elevator door opened to the view of the Presidium walkway and Shepard exited.

"I should go," Shepard said. "And don't you have a lunch date to go to? Stop thinking of the tub and stay off the naughty thoughts, Turian."

"I don't need the tub for that," Garrus said slowly. He must be grinning too. "And an addiction is hard to stay away from. See you in exactly two point five hours, Shepard. Try not to get shot at without me."

Shepard chuckled, turned off her ear set and started walking to the restaurant where Alenko told her to meet.

\----------------------------------------------

"You know, my life flashed in front of me on Mars, and ... There weren't enough moments like these. With people I care about." Alenko said quietly after a while.

So, Shepard thought. Could Alenko put himself in her shoes now? She had not seen her life flashed before her. She wasn't the type to live in the past. But the fear of not having a future was real and scary when it had happened to her. Would he get it now? Because for a sensitive guy as he always seemed to portray, Alenko sure was not very sensitive in most of the needed areas. Shepard was hungry. She took a large gulp of water from her glass.

Shepard thought about Garrus and the day she found him in Omega. Did his life flashed before him too then? He never talked about it or mentioned it, like she never talked about being spaced. The reminder they had of that day when he nearly died under the assault of the gunship was the disfigured half of his face. He was more ready to turn that into a joke than use it as an emotional chip. That was a very Garrus way of copping, turning the bad things into jokes. Did Garrus have his life flashed before him? Or was it more like hers? Her stomach started to rumble.

"You are very quiet," Alenko said, watching her.

"I was just thinking this place looks pretty intact, even after what happened with Cerberus a few days ago," not exactly a lie. "But I don't think they will have any good Earth food anytime soon. So, what are you drinking?" Shepard eyed the menu in her hands with gusto.

"Trying to butter me up already?" Alenko joked. "You might need a nice steak sandwich along with it."

Shepard smiled, half listening as the talk of drinks and food got Alenko started about his parents' place in Vancouver, drinking beer while overlooking English Bay. The only time she was in Vancouver was during her incarceration. Was that the English Bay in the distance she saw out of her window? Shepard absently bit on her left lower lip and wondered if she should have a burger.

The water was beautiful though. She saw it through the windows because she had spent the first few days looking out to see Garrus looking up at the building while standing at a corner by the park below it. He only stopped after she told Vega to pass along a note to give him to get his sorry butt back to Palaven and get the Turians ready. He was gone the day after. But that place had been a constant spot she would look at whenever she watched the world through her glorified jail cell. The same place that now was devastated by the Reapers. The whole Reaper thing did nothing but destroy what was beautiful. So much for spring cleaning every fifty thousand years, Shepard chuckled bitterly at that. The Reapers seemed to be spring dirtying the universe instead of spring cleaning it. She wondered if the Reapers might short circuited out if she told them that.

"Would be hell of a way to win the war," Shepard blunted out.

"What?" Alenko asked.

"Sorry," Shepard immediately said. "I thought you were talking about the war?" She flipped the menu and immediately wondered about whatever was showing, something something with Tummy Tingling Tuchanka Sauce... Would that work? Did she need her tummy to tingle?

"Yeah," Alenko continued. "You know what though, I feel good about our chances, helps me sleep better at night."

"That's good to hear," Shepard smiled. Oh, Thessia Fresh Water Eel with Batax's Hot Fish Spice. That might work...

"The war isn't the only thing keeping me up at night. I wonder about us...," Alenko leaned forward.

"That," Shepard leaned back, bringing her menu with her. "Is not good to hear."

Did they really have to do this again? Wasn't she already clear about it when she visited him in the hospital?

"Why Garrus?" Alenko asked her.

"Hmmm... He's got big feet?" She said.

"I understand why you cheated. But I still love you, Shepard."

Oh great, that whole cheating thing again, Shepard thought. If she wasn't cheating on the Alliance with Cerberus, she was cheating on him with Garrus. She must be one cheap woman. Gees, maybe she should tie herself up, weigh herself down with pebbles and throw herself into the Presidium lake for being such an adulterous woman? It might not be such a bad idea. Would save her from listening to this everytime... Oh, look. Chasca Wild Space Cow With Special Eletania Moss... That did not sound good... Maybe if they had called it "Beef" and not "Cow". Shepard was reminded of the V.I unhappy remark in the Hammerhead, "The Galactic Humane Society reminds you that animals are people too." She swore she did not ram into those cows on purpose on Aite, not even after the Shifty Looking Cow dug its shifty little hands in her pocket and stole her credits. No. Not eating Shifty Looking Cows...

Alenko continued, "I want to understand what this is between us. And make it real. That's what I want. What do you want?"

Shepard blinked at the question. Did he mean what she wanted with him or what she wanted in general? She had made it clear she wanted nothing "real" with him countless times so telling him again would seriously just make her go bonkus. But really, right now, she just wanted lunch.

"You know, that was the exact same question someone asked me last night," Shepard decided to simply start a monologue and hope it threw Alenko off enough for the lunch to begin without anymore talking. She was starving. "We ended up citing all the names of the planets I might like to live on only to find that none of them would really work for me. Did you know that ..."

Shepard went on, and watched Alenko's face giving the same distanced look in him when he had closed himself off from listening. She hoped it worked. She wanted her lunch. Then suddenly, something changed. His eyes widened and his jaws dropped a few centimeters. Just as those jaws dropped, a shadow the size of a rock invaded the artificial sunlight that had bathed their table. The shadow grew bigger and shaded Shepard, making her suddenly aware of a cool breeze blowing in the sun's heat. She looked up to see who the owner was.

"Wrex?" Shepard asked, her jaws too fell opened.

"Shepard," Wrex answered.

"Wrex!" Shepard exclaimed.

"Shepard," Wrex answered.

"Wrex! What are you doing here?" She grinned as the Battlemaster sat himself opposite her without waiting for an invitation.

"Getting lunch, Shepard," he said.

The Krogan signaled the waitress over and immediately placed his orders for five people. Then he told her to hurry the hell up before a very hungry and angry Krogan decided to kick down the kitchen door to fix the meal himself. The waitress left with such haste Shepard could see the wind in her steps.

"What are you doing in the Citadel?" Alenko asked him.

Wrex snarled.

"What are you doing here, I am curious too," Shepard asked.

"Here to talk to the Council about setting up of colonies for the Krogans. And visit that tank-born son of yours in the hospital," Wrex answered.

"You have a son?" Alenko was shocked.

Wrex ignored him.

"He was calling out for you, Shepard," he said. "Going, "Shepard! Shepard! Shepard!" Like a chant when the nurses gave him injections. It was amusing to watch."

"The poor boy," Shepard said. "I just saw him this morning. Will see him again later and check on when he can be discharged. He never liked needles."

"You have a son?" Alenko asked again, clearly distressed. "Why did you never tell me?"

"It has been almost three years, Alenko," Wrex laughed. "Many things can happen in that time." To Shepard, he continued. "The Aralakh Company is with him now. I'll tear them new ones if they don't babysit for you."

Shepard laughed.

After a few moments of silence where Shepard was still chuckling and Alenko was still in very clear distress, Wrex spoke up again.

"So, what were you two talking about before I got here?"

"Oh, Alenko was just telling me that it was okay that I cheated on him with Garrus because Garrus has big feet," Shepard said.

"Cheated?" the Krogan frowned.

"Huh?" Alenko wasn't listening. "Why didn't you tell me you have a son?"

"He is just shy of nine months old, Alenko," Wrex said. "Although I have to say it was quite a shock to me as well when Shepard and Garrus brought him with them to visit me on Tuchanka." He laughed. "That boy got quads!"

"Garrus again?" Alenko groaned. "How...? How did it even happen? Could it even happen? How could you? You have a son with him? What about us? You have a son with him!"

"That's a lot of the same question," Wrex said and smiled at the waitress who had brought all five of his meals to him at once, balancing everything professionally in her two hands. "Good job, Asari!" He shouted, and proceed to wolf down the first dish.

\----------------------------------------------

"Why is he so volatile?" Wrex asked Shepard in between mouthfuls of food and smacking Shepard's hand when she stole off his plate. "Children happens when adults mate."

"We were in love!" Alenko shouted at Wrex. Shepard face palmed herself and shook her head.

Wrex looked up from his food and looked from Alenko to Shepard. Then, pushing his food aside and ignoring Shepard's wondering hand, he said, "Did you put in a mating request or a breeding request with her?" he did his usual chin pointing at the person he was referring to.

"What?" Alenko said.

"What?" Shepard asked, hand frozen in mid air from picking what looked like some carrots off Wrex's plate.

"Mating request and breeding request," Wrex said. "They are not the same, human."

When Wrex saw the perplex face of Shepard, he decided to continue.

"Breeding requests are only meant for breeding. You go in, you do your thing, you pump your share of the load, you leave. Mating request, you set it up long term. Like with Bakara. From the way I see you handle life outside shooting mercs, Alenko, I bet you my hordes of infant Krogans you put in a breeding request instead of a mating request. And then I bet my second hordes of baby Krogans the Turian put in a mating request instead."

Shepard chewed on her stolen food thoughtfully and wondered if her proposition to Garrus was considered a breeding or mating request. But then Wrex had asked about Garrus, not her. Was his actions considered... Oh wait, that thing on Wrex's dish was rather delicious!

So Shepard nodded zealously. Yes. Yes. Yes. It was. She signaled a waitress with a wave.

"See, human."

"I am not a female Krogan!" Alenko banged on the table, startling the waitress who had came over to attend to Shepard.

"If our females were like you," Wrex said. "A lot of male Krogans will turn to Asari monasteries and beg to be accepted as nuns."

"Monks," Shepard corrected him.

"Nuns," Wrex corrected her back.

"I"ll have what he's having," Shepard pointed to the third dish from Wrex's right side after the waitress had more or less settled her nerves. The waitress nodded and quickly disappeared. Alenko glared at Shepard.

"What?" Shepard asked. "I am hungry. I'm a nursing mother!"

That did it, Alenko pushed the chair roughly out of the way and took off in a huff, ascending the steps two at a time.

"He did not hear me say "tank born", did he?" the Krogan asked.

"He usually hears half my words too, so I doubt he did," Shepard stole another piece of the carrot off Wrex. "He was supposed to be buying lunch, by the way. So now, you are buying. You chased him off."

"I wasn't the one who said I was nursing," Wrex snorted.


	9. Lunch Date Part 2: Garrus'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus' lunch did not turn out the way he wanted.
> 
> (Thanks guys! I wanted to say this now:
> 
> It was you guys who made it possible for this. So many of you on both AOE3 and FanFic.net has read and gave me such great support! Love you all!)

He had not been listening.

"Fuck me!" Tali was totally excited suddenly.

"That's nice," Garrus said softly, still looking at the content of the bag currently in his hands.

"Wait! What?" Garrus pulled his head back in alarm. "No!"

"What?" Tali looked as confused as Garrus was shocked. "Keelah! Not like that! I meant the menu! Look at the choices they have for dexo food here!"

"Spirits!" Garrus sighed with relief. "You have been hanging around Donnelly and Daniels way too much. You are starting to sound like them."

"Oh, I like sounding like them," Tali laughed. "They give a whole lot of new meanings to regular everyday words which I now use around Daro'Xen to send her into sudden convulsions."

"She's not the only one you're sending into sudden convulsions," Garrus said.

"Oh Garrus," Tali teased seductively. "You know I couldn't possibly try steal you from Shepard."

"Hmmm...because mmmaybe," Garrus said. "While you have a shotgun, Shepard is an actual, living, breathing, walking arsenal?"

"That," Tali pointed a casual finger at him. "And you two are way too cute together."

"Don't let Shepard hear you say she is cute," Garrus chuckled, tucking the content and folding the bag nicely before putting it aside on the restaurant table. "Or she might throw you up a tree and beat you with its branches."

"So what's that thing in there?" Tali asked, her finger now pointing at the bag. "I thought you said you were done with shopping for the apartment?"

Garrus looked at the bag and smiled. "That," he said proudly, patting it. "Is the only bottle of Palaven Made Ruso Chocolate Syrup in the entire Citadel. It took me forever to get, what with the situation with the Reapers. I had to ask an ex-colleague to throw in some favors to find it the last time we docked. I went to pick it up from him just before coming here."

"I thought you didn't care much for chocolate?" Tali took the bag and the bottle out to examined it. "You practically gave me all the dexo chocolate Doctor Michel gave you the last time."

"Speaking of those chocolates, Tali. Did you have to warn Shepard like that about Doctor Michel?" Garrus took the bottle and put it back into the bag. "It took her days to forget it! Do you know how moronic Shepard sounded when she tried to mimic the Doctor's accent? I will never look at Doctor Michel the same way again without thinking about that awful accent Shepard tried to pull."

"So why get more chocolate now?" Tali laughed.

"This is different. I have plans for this."

There was a moment of contemplation in Tali's helmet as her mask eyed the bag.

"Oh Keelah!" Tali squealed and giggled. "You two are kinky!"

"Hush, you bucket head! I wasn't...," Garrus frowned. "For someone who hides inside a can and is being sterilized all the time, you sure have a dirty mind."

"Whoever told you sterilization will cure a dirty mind?" Tali was all seductive again.

"Who has a dirty mind?" Joker's voice came from behind Garrus. "Because if you're talking about those vids on the Volus in both your mails, I swear it was the automatic "resend" system's fault, not mine."

"There is no automatic "resend" system in your mails, Jeff," EDI said.

The other two members of their little lunch gathering had finally arrived. Joker took a seat next to Tali while EDI took hers next to Garrus. Immediately upon sitting, Joker snatched Tali's menu from her hands and started scrolling through it.

"You gelatin bones bosh'tet!" Tali snatched the menu back and hit him with it. "Get your own!"

"Ouch! You drain cap mouth! How many times do I have to tell you to watch the ribs?"

Tali stood up and hit Joker on the head with the menu.

"Aww! Aww! Aww!"

\----------------------------------------------

After a moment or so of watching the two in front of him and laughing at Joker's dismay, Garrus turned to EDI.

"This is...amusing," EDI said without a hint of amusement showing on her A.I. face.

Garrus sighed and stood up to catch the menu and take it off Tali's hands. It was a regular thing they did in the mass hall at mealtimes. Joker never failed to get in trouble with Tali, Tali never failed to retaliate right off with assumed violence, EDI never failed to watch in deadpan amusement and Garrus had to be the one to intervene to put a stop to it.

To do that this time, Garrus first had to move over to Tali's side of the table. With one hand grabbing her arm while the other grasping the wrist she was using to hit the menu on Joker's SR2 cap protected head, he then proceed to swing Tali around enough for him to wrestle the menu away. He was just about to let her arm go when a flash of energy singed the menu and sent it flying out of his hand. If he was not wearing his armor gloves, his talons might have been burnt by the icy cold biotic surge along with it. Both he and Tali turned from staring at the destroyed menu to the person responsible. Joker lifted the hands he was using to protect his hat and gapped at the person. EDI was still expressionless, showing her amusement.

Standing in front of the group just outside the perimeter of the restaurant was Kadian Alenko, face spasming with unspeakable fury.

\----------------------------------------------

Funny how the person you least wanted to see always ended up the person you most likely would meet.

Alenko was fuming when he left the Shepard and Wrex back at the other restaurant and was marching back to his hotel when he past this dandy restaurant and heard the familiar dual-toned laughter. He did not want to see Garrus Vakarian right now but the sound of his laughter made his rage burnt so much brighter that he found himself stepping toward the voice, both fists balled up, ready to dispense his biotics into the Turian's body. He could not believe what Shepard and the Turian did to him. He could not believe they could hurt him that way. They were friends before! It was hard to think Shepard could be so heartless. But he could see Garrus Vakarian having a hand in it. Even back in the days, it had seemed so easy for Vakarian to pick up a conversation with Shepard while he and Liara had both struggled trying to speak with her. Vakarian had always been so suave. He must have played games with Shepard's mind with those smooth words. Alenko walked closer to the sound of the laughter and when he saw the one responsible for stealing his love and taking away his chance of becoming the father to the child of the only woman he would like to call his wife, all hell broke lose for Kaidan Alenko.

\----------------------------------------------

"What the hell, Kadian?" Garrus asked.

"Don't you dare speak to me!" Kaidan shouted. The other patrons of the restaurant sitting closest to the group had suddenly dispersed away to nowhere.

"First you conned her into sleeping with you and then you got her pregnant! I trusted you as a friend!"

"Pregnant?" Joker asked.

"Who is pregnant?" that was from Garrus.

"I believe Major Alenko meant Shepard," EDI said. "Since she is the only person Garrus has slept with over the past year."

The other three around the table were quiet.

"Keelah!" Tali at last covered her mouth port. "Garrus! Shepard is pregnant? How could that even happen?"

"What?" Garrus shouted but that one word was cut short when a blast of Reave almost hit his front armor if he had not been quick enough to dodge out of the way.

EDI immediately stood up so to provide cover for Joker, who quickly hid behind her while Tali flipped the table they were occupying just a moment ago to give her friend some cover.

"Are you out of your mind!" she screamed at Alenko.

"Out of my mind?" Alenko shouted back and then pointed his finger at the overturned table. "I cried when she was dead. I mourned! Where were you? Then the moment she came back you jumped her! You fucking jumped her behind my back!"

"Kaidan," Garrus tried hard to be reasonable. "Calm down and stop letting emotions cloud your mind! Think!"

Another blast of biotics hit, this time at the table Garrus was hiding behind, sending the table jerking but holding it own against the assault.

"Fuck!" Joker cursed. "His L2 must have fried his brains!"

"Alenko!" Tali screamed at him. "You bosh'tet! You're the only one among the old crew who still have no idea what Shepard's like! You think she can be tricked or stolen? You need to accept that she was the one who made her choice before you destroy the friendship you two might still have!"

When there was no sudden movement from Alenko, Tali continued.

"You might have mourned and weeped for Shepard when she died, but you did try to move on. Garrus mourned but he was so stupid, he never even thought of moving on! You continued on with life, he went Keelah Se'lai to it and ran head first into firing gunships! You cannot blame him for being a more bosh'tet romantic than you!"

"Really, Tali?" Garrus said from his cover. "Seriously? I don't even know if I should feel complimented or insulted."

Alenko loosened his fists and seemed to have a slight realization in his eyes. The rage in them disappeared. His shoulder slummed and his breath caught a slower and deeper rhythm. Tali saw that as a good sign and slowly walked around the chair that was between herself and Alenko to move closer to him.

"You need to let it go," she said. "Shepard's didn't cheat on you and Garrus didn't con her. Shepard just like the awkward, dopey romantics who knows nothing on how to be remotely romantic and Garrus , being the bosh'tet he is, fits perfectly."

"Oh, I am so absolutely faltered now, Tali," Garrus said behind the table.

Tali ignored Garrus.

"See," Tali said. "You're good looking and you're one great solider. You've seen how girls swooned over you? You don't see Garrus getting that kind of attention."

"I get attention!" Garrus shouted. "I had the chocolates, remember?"

Tali glared at Garrus to shut up through her mask without turning from Alenko.

"And you know how Shepard loves finding derelicts and salvaging their parts for credits? That's her thing. And Kaidan, you know you are more. You aren't some derelicts looking to be salvaged for parts. That's why Shepard was never attracted to you the way she is attracted to Garrus."

"I am not a derelict!" Garrus was not getting it. "And I'm not salvageable...! I mean I don't need salvaging!"

Keelah! There were two asses in front of her and both had heads as thick in measurement as the diameter of her home planet. How did Shepard managed to sleep with both?

Then, as if he caught a second wind, Alenko's biotics flarred up again and something in his eyes reignited. He roared and pushed toward the table, toward Garrus.

"Shall I shoot him, Jeff?" EDI asked Joker who had came out from hiding behind her to stand apprehensively next to her.

"Huh? Jesus, No!" Joker almost screamed. "Just... just get something to stop him before he hurts himself or Garrus!"

"Very well then, Jeff," EDI said.

Coolly and in a flash, EDI kicked up Garrus' bag from where it had fallen on the ground, grabbed and tore the bottle out and aimed it at Alenko. With an A.I. accuracy at ninty-nine point nine nine nine eight percent and an applied pressure of exactly twenty-two point seven two six force per unit area applied in Alenko's direction, EDI pointed and forced squirted the syrup out from its cover onto his face with great velocity. The bottle cover gave a 'pop' sound as it landed on Alenko's nose and a spray of chocolate syrup followed onto his eyes and cheeks, sending him flying backward against the railing. Trying hard to maintain but losing his balance, Alenko accidentally set lose a surge of biotic barrier that bounced him off the ground and fumbled him over the railing onto the grass latch attached. EDI watched him fell in a surreally calmed manner over the bottle of now emptied chocolate syrup she wielded in her hands like a shotgun as her lover and friends rushed over to look at Alenko's twitching and squirming form.

"Holy shit!" Joker exclaimed.

"Keelah!" Tali cawed.

"My Ruso Syrup!" Garrus shrieked.

"Your syrup broke my nose!" Alenko yowled.

"No Major. I broke it," EDI asserted.

\----------------------------------------------

To put it plainly, Alenko finally had his most embarrass moment. First, he lost his cool in public, which he never did. Next, he practically assaulted Garrus, which he should not have. Then, he was bested by a female with a grocery item. After which, he had fallen unglamorously over the railing with a broken nose. To top it all off, he was now slinged over the shoulder of the same female who had bested him with a dexo dessert topping, his hair and face in a bloody, chocolatey mass as she ran him to the hospital at a speed faster than the best sky car. Being carried like that with a broken nose and messy hair had got to be the most embarrassing thing among all the embarrassing things he just did. Of course, he had no idea this was not the first time a female had carried him in this way. He was unconscious on Mars when Shepard had done the same to get him back to the ship. But even that could not have been worse because there were no bystanders watching the parade on Mars like there were now. This had to be worse than the day he was attacked by the A.I., Doctor Eve, and almost died on Mars...

"You've GOT to be kidding me!" Alenko cried out from on top of EDI's shoulder when he suddenly realized that this was the same female form who was fully and partly responsible for both of his worst days ever.

\----------------------------------------------

Tali and Joker had gone to get something to eat while Garrus had to leave to meet Shepard. EDI was sitting next to Alenko waiting for the anesthetic the doctor had given him when they fixed his nose to wear off when Grunt walked in.

"EDI," Grunt greeted the A.I. mobile platform. He might not have seen her but Shepard had sent him pictures and kept him updated to the happenings in the Normandy. EDI greeted him back.

"That's Alenko?" he pointed at the form on the bed.

"He is," EDI said.

Grunt strolled over to the bed and looked down at the human.

"How's the new body?" he asked EDI while watching the man.

"It serves a good number of purposes," EDI said. "Although I am afraid being in it has its times of disadvantages. Breaking Alenko's nose would qualify as one of those times. I am aware that what my calculation deemed best for the situation at that time might not be best when it was applied."

"I don't see a problem here," Grunt said. "He looks alive."

\----------------------------------------------

Alenko was woken up by hot air blowing in his face. His eyes opened slowly and came in contact with a pair of huge and beady eyes above a huge mouth full of teeth.

"Holy Mother of...," Alenko jumped up and away from the thing.

"ALENKO!" The thing roared. "I! KNOW! YOU!"

"What the...," Alenko stared at the Krogan in front of his bed and to EDI sitting on a chair against the wall by the window.

The Krogan inched closer to him. Alenko inched farther away. The Krogan lifted a brow and snarled.

"I don't like you," the thing said and now seemed calm.

"I don't even know you!" Alenko replied. He tried to flare up his biotics but remembered how it had so far not done any good to anyone and decided to reserve the power for fighting the war instead from then on. He braced himself for some hand-to-hand combat and knew somehow he was going to break something else in his body if he went against this Krogan.

"I don't like you," the thing repeated. "And that's all you need to know."

Just then, another Krogan, this one in uniform armor, came rushing into the room.

"Sir!" the new Krogan said. "The escape has been laid out! All secured! You can jump now."

"Excellent!" The other Krogan slammed his right fist onto his left hand with so much force Alenko could feel it vibrating into his own bones.

"I am leaving now, human," the Krogan said to him. "For my Battlemaster, I'll tear your broken nose out of your face! But I have to ask her permission first before I can. Heh Heh Heh. Until than, remember me!"

He walked passed EDI.

"See you this weekend at the party, EDI," and then he was gone.

"That was Grunt," EDI explained without needed to be asked. "He was a tank born Shepard picked up while we were trying to stop the collectors. We, on the Normandy, like to think of him as Shepard's adopted son."

"Shit...," Alenko covered his face with both his hands. Shepard's "tank born" son, Wrex had said. What had he done?


	10. All's Well For All But One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Alenko wanted was to make things right with Shepard. Normandy was taken over. He had no idea. If only he'd asked before he did anything....

"That was pretty dozy for even you, Garrus," Shepard said after Tali related the story over the comm.

"What?" Garrus asked. "Translator glitched, Shepard."

"Dozy. Being a Dorb, a Dooby, a Coot, a Dickwit," Shepard "glitched" him even more on purpose.

"They all mean "dense", dumbass," Shepard finally gave in when both of her teammates looked to each other, confused.

"Ohhhhh," Tali's voice came back on a higher note. "More new words!"

"Learnt all that from Miranda," Shepard said. "That woman can curse in Australian slang like a true Aussie she is. Heard all that and maybe another sixty more while watching her write reports one afternoon. All in one afternoon! She'll be there at the party, Tali. You can learn more from her yourself."

"Oh, you know I will!" Tali muffled giggles came over the comm.

"Why can't you just say dense?" Garrus said. "And please don't go trying to mimic Miranda's accent."

"What's with you and my talent with accents anyway? And this is about you being a numbskull, Turian. Not about my inability to mimic accents of other women."

"Really," Tali added. "It's ridiculous how you kept correcting me when I was only trying to help get your bosh'tet ass out of harm's way!"

"For both your information," Garrus said. "I was not dense. I understood perfectly what Tali was trying to do. I just didn't want to play along with it! I don't get how by putting me down would have stopped Kaidan. It was still EDI's action that stopped him in the end, Tali. Not words."

"And what would you have me do?" Garrus asked. "Forcefully lie and admit that I was a failure and that Shepard would date one to booster Kaidan's ego? Not happening. Even if I were pitiful enough to do that as a way to escape his biotics, I would never allow anyone to think low of Shepard. I can handle my own love triangle. Thank you. And I could've gotten my own ass out of harm's way without help."

"You mean to say that it was your big Turian ego that got in the way then?" Shepard smirked.

"I'll have you know it wasn't the big one that got in the way. It was only the smaller one."

"Does anyone care we are locked in a box?" Wrex finally said something. "I have hordes of females still waiting for me to impregnate out there, and I intend to fulfill their wishes."

"And we'll be seeing a shortage of ice packs in Citadel space soon," Garrus laughed.

"Speak for yourself, Turian," the Battlemaster leered. "Your big Turian ego doesn't seemed to be able to keep up with the Commander. You, yourself, have work cut out for you. You couldn't even get her pregnant, remember?"

"You know we won't be getting pregnant, Korgan," Garrus said without looking at anyone. "Stop being an ass like Alenko."

"Hey! No one is getting Commander Shepard pregnant," Shepard immediately said. "I'm not walking around with my stomach sticking out of my armor. And Glyph is working on the "Impregnable Vault", so don't get your knickers in a knot, Battlemaster."

"I don't wear knickers. I don't need underwear," the Krogan said, sending Tali, Shepard and even Garrus laughing

"But is that why you chose the Turian and not the human?" Wrex said. "Who needs rubber protection when he is literally shooting blanks at you. This box is not the only "Impregnable Vault" around here anymore, huh Turian?"

"Oh now my big Turian ego is going to start getting in the way," Garrus warned.

"It won't stand a chance, Turian," Wrex said. "Neither your big Turian ego nor your Palaven Made Ruso Chocolate Syrup would stand any chance."

This time, Wrex guffawed together with Shepard and Tali over the comm. Garrus gave a heavy sigh.

"If this is "Jab At Garrus Day"," he said. "I'm going back to bed."

"Yeah, you know enough you're not bloody getting out of this one, mate!" That was Zaeed's voice suddenly over the comm.

There, on Zaeed's side of the comm, besides his laughter, came a host of other laughters. The three of them could hear Vega whopping and many hands clapping. Kasumi was chanting, "Go, go Garrus!"

"What the fuck!" Garrus shouted over his comm.

"Oh," Tali tried to sound innocent over her own laughter. "Everyone is here with me, remember Garrus? We were all WAITING for the transport to get to the ship while you three went ahead without us? I just have this great upgrade that filtered background noises on both ends for a crispier interaction over the comm. It's a new Quarian thing, Garrus."

"Not your day huh, Turian?" Shepard said, grinning at her lover. "I promise I'll make it up to you later."

"Minus the chocolate syrup," Wrex elbowed his Turian friend. "Maybe you two can substitute it with Tummy Tingling Tuchanka Sauce instead!"

Wrex and everyone over the comm continued roaring even after Glyph had successfully burnt through the vault door.

"We should goooooo..." Shepard caught herself, "Lets go kick my ass!"

"Just stick to "I should go", will you, Shepard?" Garrus sighed.

\----------------------------------------------

Alenko saw EDI spoke over the comm. She had been sitting with him for some time now even after Joker had left to meet Shepard for dinner to discuss about his "baby's retrofits'. Could A.I. feel guilt? Was that why she was sitting with him after breaking his nose?

"That was Joker," EDI said after she cut the feed to her comm. "I have to go. The crew is needed. We are to report in as soon as possible."

"Is everything ok?" Alenko asked. He tried to get out of bed but EDI stopped him. "I'm part of the crew. I should go with you."

"I was given instructions by both Shepard and Joker for you to stay here until you recover. Shepard said to tell you she needs you to get better so "you can ripe some reapers apart when the time comes". We will handle the less important problems until then."

Alenko did not argue. He watched EDI leave his room and waited a few minutes before he got off the bed and put on his uniform. Whatever was happening did not feel like it was just some "less important problems". If Shepard was in trouble, he needed to get to her as quickly as possible. He had enough of feeling like he was never there for the important events happening in her life ever since she was brought back by Cerberus. Alenko told himself he would need to stop being so anal and to make sure he was always with her from now. No, he was not going to let Garrus take Shepard away. Alenko knew if he was around her more often, and was there when she needed him, Shepard would soon forget about Garrus. She had to. He was a Turian and she was human! Surly she saw the folly in such an arrangement and was only using Garrus to make him jealous. Poor Garrus. What had he gotten himself into. Alenko shook his head and walked into the elevator.

"Major Alenko, Specter's status recognized," the elevator V.I. chimed and Alenko pressed the button to take him to the Embassies. He had a place he needed to go to before he could track down where Shepard was.

\----------------------------------------------

Everything looked fine except that a lot of people not in Alliance uniform he had never seen were roaming around the ship, armed. They paid him no heed so he paid them no heed. Samantha Traynor was in a heated discussion with Shepard, wielding her Cision Pro Mark Four toothbrush like a dagger at her Commander while flapping her other arm and pointing to everything around her except the ceiling. Alenko needed to know what was going on. He walked toward the two but stopped when Traynor grunted and turned and pushed aside one of the armed guards before stomping toward him and then past him.

"Traynor?" Alenko called after her.

"She fired me!" Traynor shouted out as she took off toward the entrance. "She bloody fired me!"

"Shepard?" Alenko said turning to the Commander."What's going on here?"

"Who died and let him in?" Shepard asked. He turned to see who she was referring to and saw the two mercs behind him shrugged.

"EDI told me there was a situation. I came as fast as I could. What happened here? Shepard? Why are you throwing away your hamster? I thought everyone said you loved that little guy."

"Love? Love is overrated," the Shepard standing in front of him said, folding her arms and raising a brow. "Do you think it's a good day for you to die, Kaidan Alenko? I think it's a good day for a lot of things to die."

"You know I'd do anything for you," Alenko said. "I will die for you. You know I love you."

"She does take in nothing but morons," Shepard said. "Doesn't she?"

The two mercs behind Alenko chuckled.

"Who?" Alenko asked.

"You, moron."

"Look, Shepard," Alenko said. "I know you are still angry with me. But seriously, our lover spat has to stop."

Shepard blinked many times before she laughed.

"Our lover spat? Even I know her preference in men!" She shook her head. "You are a worse moron than I thought! And I'm around them all the time since I woke up!"

Behind Alenko, one of the mercs whispered to the companion next to him, "She's not talking about us, is she?"

"Shut the fuck up, will you?" The other answered through his teeth. "I'm trying to pretend I don't fucking know you!"

"Shepard, I don't know what is going on here. But I know you," Alenko said. "I know you are just getting back at me for what I said on Horizon. And I've told you I was sorry."

"Does you mouth and your brain not connect?" Shepard asked.

"You can't keep doing this. You know Garrus is a Turian, right? He can't give you what I can. I..."

Alenko could feel the ship powering up, undocking.

"Shepard?" He was confused. "Were you thinking of going back to the war without me?"

"I can't believe she was ever nice to you," Shepard said.

"I'll talk to Garrus this time round," Alenko said. "No more fighting. I'm serious. I'm sure if you let him down easy, he'll understand."

"Did I forget to ask you to shut the fuck up?"

"Shepard! Please, can't you see you're torturing us both? I love you! Marry me!" Alenko shouted.

The two mercs behind looked at each other.

"This isn't going to end well for him, is it?" one said.

"Well, he's fucked," the other added.

"Ok, moron," Shepard said. "I'm not here for a leisure tour and this is NOT "The Love Boat"! You want to do a confession of love? Go tell it to some Batarian slavers in the Terminus System with a penchant for sappy love story. You're a fucking waste of resources. And they make you a Specter? No wonder she'd rather fuck a Turian."

"Shepard, honey. Please will you just stop referring to yourself in the third person? I know the war is stressful. We can pull through together. I'll help you shoulder the burden. I promise I will this..."

"Turn around," Shepard commanded.

"What?" Alenko blinked.

"I said turn around, moron."

So Alenko turned around to face the two mercs behind him and suddenly felt a very hard object coming in contact with his neck. The vision in front of him blurred and he blacked out.

"Space this moron once we're out of here," Shepard told the two mercs. "I would have done it while he was conscious but I've had enough of his babbling."

She walked up to the map leaving the two with the unconscious Alenko.

"Mdm," another merc came over. "Just before take off, Normandy registered a perimeter access alert. One of the security hatches."

"Her?" Shepard said. "Where?"

"Unknown. We shut down the A.I.. We disabled a lot of security system. Shepard could be anywhere on the ship."

"Shepard is standing right in front of you, are we clear?" The clone ordered. Then she looked at the two still standing over Alenko. "You two, take him upstairs and tie him up... to the bed or something. I don't want him waking up and ending up giving us more trouble. I'll take care of him personally later."

\----------------------------------------------

Alenko was barely conscious when he felt hands fumbling his body.

"Why the fuck are you stripping him?" He heard a merc asked.

"Err," the second merc sounded unsure. "She told us to "tie him" to the bed. I assumed she wanted him naked too... Didn't she?"

"I thought she likes women?" The First Merc asked. "Didn't she said to fucking space him at first?"

"I don't know. She said tie him to the bed and she would "take care of him personally later". Why else would a woman want to tie a man to the bed? Maybe she swing both ways?"

Alenko groaned. He felt weak and tried to open his eyes only to realize he was blind folded.

"I don't know, man. It's not in our job description to fucking strip another man," The First Merc said. "I will gladly do it if he is a she... But... This ain't right. I ain't paid fuck enough to strip men naked."

Alenko groaned some more.

"Should we position him to make him look more appealing?" The Second Merc asked his companion.

"You are shitting me..."

"You never know, man. Could be bonus points with the boss."

"Holy shit! For fuck sake! Leave his boxers where they are!"

Alenko tried to move but found his hands were bounded.

"But then he won't be naked!"

"I swear man, you're sick as fuck!"

"Fine then! Help me with his legs," Alenko felt cold gloved hands roughly pulled at his ankles.

"Why the fuck would you need help with his legs?"

"I told you! To position him so he looks more appealing to the boss."

"Why the fuck would you want to do that?"

Alenko tried to kick at his captor and found out yet another part of his body was also tied up, this time his legs.

"Maybe we should put like a bow tie on him or something? you think she has one here? Or some ribbons? You know, for artistic purposes. Like garnish on a dish?"

"He's not a fucking Christmas turkey!" A hand ruffled his hair. "Stop touching him! I swear, man! You are seriously fucked up!"

"I just think we need to comb his hair back, you know, for better sex appeal? Would give him a new cut, but I didn't have my grooming kit with me."

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I am leaving! Fuck!"

"Hey! I'm done! Wait for me!"

And Alenko was finally left alone on the bed, bounded and blinded.

\----------------------------------------------

Shepard did not try to save her clone. She just watched her let go and fell to her death. She might have wanted to but her hands did not obey her heart. The clone might look and speak like her but she was not her. Allowing her to live might have been a noble thing to do but Shepard did not want to imagine what the clone might do after being spared. One thing was for sure, Shepard was bad when she chose to be, usually around bad people but she knew how to treat the good. That woman had no remorse. She was basically a sociopath. A lot of innocents might get hurt if Shepard had allowed her to live. Was she that way when she woke from the tank or was she that way after she met Brooks? God, Shepard hated that woman. If she dared try to make an escape, Shepard would definitely find pleasure in shooting her in the back.

"You ok?" Garrus asked her.

"Yah, I am," she replied, still looking down. "Think there might be other clones of me in other Cerberus facilities?"

"We"ll never know, Shepard."

"You and I," Shepard said. "After the war, we'll go hunt down any that might still be around, get me?"

"And then what? Destroy them?" Garrus asked.

"I don't know. Maybe. Or maybe I might need parts? Maybe we can wake a few up and get them to go around the universe doing Commander Shepard's work and we keep the credits? I'll decide if and when we find more."

"Yeah, awesome idea. We could use some to answer fan mails too, Shepard," Garrus said. "We'll ask Miranda later."

"Oh," Garrus added. "And if we do get ourselves a few new helpers, Conrad Verner would say he died and gone to human heaven."

Shepard smiled. "Who say we're letting him or anyone know?"

"You can be so bad, Shepard," Garrus smiled back.

"You bet I am," Shepard arched an eyebrow. "Now let's go bring my hamster back home."

\----------------------------------------------

The ship's elevator could only take six at once. Shepard, Garrus, Wrex, Vega, Kasumi and Zaeed took the first ride, the five holding some of Shepard's stuffs while Shepard made sure she was the one handling her hamster. The rest would be up shortly with the rest of her stuffs and some of Garrus' things.

"I can't believe she would dare throw you out like that," she said to the one in the cage, now standing with its front paws in the air and looking at her like it was welcoming her home. "If Grunt were here, he would throw a fit and "I AM KORGAN" those two out the airlock. We won't even have to shoot at them. He loves you, doesn't he?"

Shepard was still talking to her hamster when she walked into the captain's quarters to find Alenko on her bed, tied and blinded but sitting suggestively with one leg crossed over the other. Behind her, her teammates stood stunned by the stairs going down to her sleeping quarter.

"What the hell, Kadian!" Shepard shouted. "What the fuck are you doing tied to my bed with nothing but your boxers?"

"If that's how you like things, Shepard," Alenko said. "I am ready! Take me!"

There was a long silence where no one moved or spoke.

"This tops even you, Vakarian," Wrex at last said very quietly. "Anyone here has chocolate syrup?"

"Kitchen?" Kasumi whispered back after she squirmed to the front.

"Double time," Wrex said.

The team parted and Kasumi was gone at the speed of sound, heading for the elevator where the second batch of team members were emerging with the couple's things in most of their hands.

\----------------------------------------------

And every year, after the end of the Reaper Wars, the Vakarians would receive a total of seven bottles of Pavalen Ruso Chocolate Syrup. One from Liara and Javik; one from Tali and the newly rebuilt Legion who had opted to stay with her; one from Zaeed and Jack; and one from EDI and Joker. There were even one from Miranda and Oriana and believe it or not, one from Samara.

Kasumi would sent a pair of pink fluffy cuffs or the tail feather of a peacock along with the syrup every three or four years. There were also blue female undergarments in among the bottle, all brand new. Once, she even sent a whip along with it, which their mother had said would suit EDI more than it would her. Other years, the bottle would arrive in a box that played rather cheesy music that made the Vakarian kids' father groaned every time.

Wrex would personally bring many bottles with him when he visited with Bakara. But they would bring both the Ruso and the Hershey version. They usually also brought enough ice cream and nuts to feed an army along with their nine youngest children plus a Grunt at times. Those bottles and the ones which were sent were then put to the best use.

When the kids were young, they had never successfully gotten their father to tell them why their closest family friends always sent the syrups. Their only answer was him shaking his head in dismay and grumbling something about being the only galactic hero always the butt of their jokes in which their mother would remind him that he was only the second galactic hero always the butt of their jokes. Someone else had stolen the top spot from him already.

Grunt was not much help and could not tell them even when they won him in Galaxy of Fantasy pvp. What he would say was, "I eat sweets, not chocolates, how would I know?" followed mostly with, "Wait till I get myself a Krogan console! Then I will smash you to pieces!" But he never did get a Krogan console the next time or that after whenever he came to stay with them.

Their mother just laughed till tears fell out whenever they asked. Then she told them it had everything to do with a Specter named Kaidan Alenko and their father's inability to master the use of the syrup in a discrete manner. The kids decided their mother were using too big words for them to fully understand her at their age.

Wrex just smirked, a lot, when they tried asking him.

And the other adults, the gift-givers themselves, who came to visit every other year for the party on Prevalence Day, a day where all the races celebrated their victory against the Reapers, usually laughed and made toasts about the syrups, during which Wrex and Grunt would join in too. Only Zaeed was nice enough to say he would tell them the whole story when they reached puberty, if he was still alive.

The curious thing about it all was that the so said Specter, Kaidan Alenko, who was supposedly very much as involved with the chocolate syrup as their father was, and the one who topped their father as a galactic hero and butt of the team's jokes, never once visited or sent them a bottle, ever.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Updated 4/20: The story is done! Taking a couple of days worth of break and checking other writings out. Then I might start a Garrus' one. But no, it is never gonna be Anti-Garrus. I love him as much as I love the space hamster. Hard to "anti" that kind of love.
> 
> Updated 4/13: Longest Chapter ever, will come in to edit when I wake, as usual. Gosh, I am so sleepy.
> 
> Updated 4/12: The Awesome Brigade will be back next chapter, with members new and old, and Wrex defaulting himself in, daring anyone to contest him!
> 
> Updated 4/11: Kudos to my gaming buddy, Cody, for helping me weed out my mistakes.
> 
> Update 4/10: Decided to write the full Kaidan encounter from ME2 through to ME3. Kudos me! I am such a kudos ho....
> 
> I seriously have trouble with the whole Kaidan encounter. I have to do something about it before it drives me crazy! I need Shepard to have the last say with him! 
> 
> Never played Renegade Shepard. I usually only option-renegade when I felt I might drop dead and die of annoyance if I did option-paragon. But with the whole Kaidan encounter, even the renegade options didn't cut it for me. 
> 
> Sorry Alenko fan-girls. I never played ME1... and the Alenko I saw just won't stop pissing me off.


End file.
